


The Color of Freedom

by Gargammella



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, But mostly just hurt, Dark Side Rey, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Love/Hate, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-02
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:00:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 35
Words: 29,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22988293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gargammella/pseuds/Gargammella
Summary: Kylo Ren held out his hand, and Rey took it. Together, she and Kylo Ren would rule the galaxy, side by side, like the monsters they were. Dark Side Rey fic.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey
Comments: 20
Kudos: 57





	1. I: The Dark Side

He held out his hand and told her to come to the dark side. The only reason Rey accepted was because she was _tired._

Tired of being told she belonged with to the light side. Tired of being told she was _good._

She just wanted to be _Rey_ again, like the time her parents were still alive, and the world wasn't complicated. Was that too much to ask for?

So when Kylo Ren held out his hand and called her just that, _Rey,_ she decided to throw it all away and follow him to the ends of the earth. To _freedom._

To the dark throne that was waiting for her.

...Goddammit, Rey was just so _tired._

* * *

He had not expected her to take his hand. He really hadn't.

She shouldn't have. Rey belonged to the rebellion, and Kylo Ren to the dark side. Rey was good. He wasn't.

So why had the so-called "savior of the galaxy" thrown everything away just to be here, in this darkness with him? She had betrayed her friends that would've died for her. Why? For what reward?

Kylo wanted to ask her. But he didn't. Silence suited them best, so he kept quiet. Always quiet.

He let go of her hand as they descended into the shadows. Because she disgusted him, and because Kylo Ren hated her.

He hated her a lot.

For giving him that scar. For being so steady in her gaze when she looked at him. For taking his hand.

Kylo Ren would never forgive her for that. Or himself for offering his hand to her to take.

Now, they were both trapped in this darkness, breathing the same tainted air, walking on the same path to destruction.

And somewhere in that black, she took his hand again.


	2. II: Distortions

Almost a month had passed since Rey had joined the Sith. Since then everything in her life had turned upside down, changed, become distorted. Rey found that she liked herself much more that way.

"Your friends are looking for you, you know," Kylo Ren told her one day, after a meeting. Rey cast a sideways glance at him.

"I know."

"Do you miss them?"

Rey hesitated for a moment before answering.

"No," she said curtly. "I don't."

Her hands were shaking. Ben noticed. He knew she was lying. She knew he did. But Rey didn't care. She stood from the table and turned to leave the room.

She threw a glare in his direction.

"I hate this," she spat. "And I hate you."

"I know," Kylo mumbled, but Rey was too far away to hear. That, or she chose not to.

He listened as her footsteps died away to silence.


	3. III: Masked

Before sending her out on her first mission, they gave Rey a mask. It was nightmare-colored and cold to touch. Just like Kylo Ren's. Only it didn't have any red in it. Just black.

Rey wore black now, for she had burned her old clothes. It suited her, and Rey hated that.

* * *

The corridors seemed long and never-ending as Rey made her way through them, heading for the ship hangar. Storm Troopers hailed her as she passed. Only a month ago, they would've shot her dead, and now they were greeting her. Rey never replied.

She found her way to the hangar, and found her new ship waiting for her. It was black, just like everything else around her.

Down the row of flying machines, Rey spied something familiar that she would've liked to forget: Kylo Ren's ship. Just looking at it brought back far too many memories. How many times had Rey willed that ship to crash? Screamed curses at the pilot?

And yet Rey could've stop herself from skipping over to where the Silencer was parked. She was just too curious.

It was much smaller than Rey remembered. But just as dangerous and she hated it just as much.

Without really thinking, Rey raised a hand and ran her fingers over the sharp metal of the wing. _So this is what it feels like,_ she thought to herself. _So this is how a killing machine feels like._

"If you like my ship so much, I can have another made for you."

The voice startled Rey, and she hastily jerked her hand off the wing, as if the cold metal had burned her.

"Ben," she flatly greeted, not even trying to hide her glare. He didn't respond. Instead, he shifted his gaze to the ship.

"What do you think of it?" he asked.

Rey chewed her lip. "I can't stand it."

Ben frowned a bit. "Yeah..." he whispered. "Neither can I."

Rey would often wonder what he meant with those words, but she didn't ask him about them. Instead, she let the silence envelop them, making no effort to break it. Kylo did, though.

"Are you here for the new mission?"

"Yes."

Kylo averted his gaze before speaking again, softly. "I'm going, too. If you like, I can take you in my ship."

Rey didn't answer at once because she was too surprised. Was Kylo Ren being _kind_ to her? That couldn't be possible... it had to be some kind of trick. _Had_ to be.

"No thanks," Rey curtly replied, and retreated. As she passed him, she felt his eyes burn into her back. She ignored him and kept on going on she was safe inside her own ship.

But she would never _really_ be safe from him. He was always there, and Rey could not stand it.


	4. IV: Take Me Home

The mission was complete, but the Rebellion's fleet had been harder to destroy than thought , and most of the ships were damaged or out of fuel. Rey's ship was one of these. Kylo Ren, though, had escaped completely intact. So unharmed, in fact, that he almost felt guilty.

He landed on the planet where his squad had taken refuge, to check up on things before leaving. There was mostly rubble and dead bodies scattered around, but about a dozen pilots were left, all gathered around their fallen ships.

Kylo walked up to Rey first.

"Hey."

She nodded a reply.

"Still alive, I take it?" Ben commented. He wasn't sure if he was happy about it.

"I guess so," Rey answered with a shrug. Her eyes were glued to the burning ships and corpses, her expression colored blue.

"The mission was a success, you should be happy," he told her. Internally, he slapped himself. What was that, a pathetic attempt to make her feel better?

"This," Rey pointed to a dead body close by, "is a 'success?'"

"If more enemy soldiers are dead than ours, then yes, it is."

Rey didn't look like she believed him, but didn't say anything else. Kylo Ren sat down a bit away from her and let himself sink into the familiar silence between them.

Rey was the first to break the quiet.

"Is your offer to let me ride in your ship still valid?"

Kylo Ren looked at her. He felt the faintest smile curl at his lips.

"Yeah." He nodded. "It is."

Rey stood up. "Good," she said. "Then take me home."


	5. V: Endless Sands

When Rey had asked Kylo Ren to "take her home," he hadn't thought she meant it so literally. But before he knew it, Rey had taken control of the ship and flown it to Jakku, her home planet. Kylo had to admit that he was impressed with her maneuvering tactics, but more so by the outrageousness of her actions.

"Why are we here?" Kylo Ren asked, impatient and confused. Rey was already on her way to the door when he spoke.

"Don't know. I felt like it," Rey replied, but she didn't look Ben in the eyes. It was obvious she was hiding something.

"This is where I grew up," she added.

"I know."

She didn't ask how he knew. It seemed better not to.

Without another word, Rey had slid open the door and departed the ship. Kylo had to admit that he had no idea where she was headed. There was only sand, as far as he could see. But he let her go, nonetheless.

She didn't ask him to join her. He didn't expect her to.

Instead, Kylo Ren chose to wait for her. Not like he had anything else to do, really. So he waited, and thought about things, and waited some more. Sometimes he would wonder what Rey was doing.

By the time the sun was well on its way of setting, Rey returned. Her steps were heavy, Kylo saw that even from a distance. She must have hiked far.

Ben opened the door for her, and Rey climbed onboard. The silence still retained as she took her seat. Ben decided not to ask what she had been doing, or why her eyes were so red. She wouldn't have answered, anyway.

* * *

It wasn't until they were back at the base when Rey spoke again. They were leaving the ship hangar together when Rey turned to look at Kylo Ren. The look in her eyes stopped him flat.

"Thank you," she said, softly, so unlike herself. Ren tried to reply, but all he could do was open his mouth and close it again.

"Ben," she added, and her voice hurt so much to hear.

Kylo Ren flinched at hearing his old name come from her lips. "Don't call me that," he whispered.

Rey looked at him, and for a moment, he almost thought her gaze was tender. But then she turned to leave, and there was nothing at all.

"Goodnight," she called after him, her voice returned to the same seething cold as usual.

But Ben didn't respond. He just stood there, thinking of endless sands and fiery sunsets.


	6. VI: The Victory

The next mission went considerably better. They returned not only with a victory, but with prisoners as well. And prisoners meant _information._

There was a woman and a man—their last companion had already been killed, by Rey's hands. And the prisoners were badly bruised, though they'd live. Only Rey wasn't sure how long.

After they had taken the captives away, Rey made the mistake of asking Kylo Ren what he was going to do to them. She knew it was a mistake, but goddammit, Rey couldn't help herself.

"Get information," he said. His voice was cold as ice.

Rey swallowed, realizing the hidden meaning of his words.

"You're going to torture them," she whispered.

He didn't have to say yes. Rey already knew, and she hated him for it. But there was nothing she could do; not yet, anyways.

She clenched her fists as Kylo Ren walked off, heading for the dungeons. Rey knew that she shouldn't care about prisoners from the Rebellion anymore, but fuck— she didn't see them as the enemy. They were just humans, just like the rest of them.

That's when she heard his voice in her head.

_Don't try to stop me, Rey._

_Fuck you,_ she answered.

_Curse all you want. It won't stop me from getting the information I need. I'll use any means necessary._

"I won't let you do this, Ben." Rey said, out loud this time. She knew he heard her.

By god, she would _make_ him hear her.


	7. VII: Set Me Free

It was nighttime, but Rey was wide awake. How could she sleep, when there were screams in the distance? All she wanted was for the torture to stop, so she could spring into action. But she had to wait until the time was right. Just a little longer, and then she could silence their screams.

Finally, many hours after midnight, there came the silence that Rey had been waiting for. They were finished, at last.

Rey jumped out of bed, already dressed and ready for action. She had her lightsaber and a gun with her.

She snuck down to the dungeons, her heartbeat throbbing in her ears.

The dungeons were dark, and the smell of blood was strong. A few years past, Rey would've found the stench nauseating. Not anymore, though; she was too used to it now.

It was easy enough to find the prisoner's whereabouts; they were the only people alive down in the dungeons, and Rey made her way into their cell with ease. There, she found two broken shells that belonged to the captives. No wait, only one; the man was already dead. Only the woman remained.

"Who are you?" the survivor managed to rasp.

"I'm here to get you out of here," Rey responded. She knew how naive it sounded, but by god, she had to at least try to save the poor woman. They'd ripped her clothes right off her body when they raped her.

The woman laughed, blood flying out of his mouth as he did so.

"You came too late, sister. I'm just about dead…"

_You're worse than dead_ , Rey thought to herself. _They raped you, those bastards._

"I can heal you," Rey whispered, but that was a lie; there's no way she could heal everything they'd done to the woman. All the same, Rey set to work on the shackles.

"Hey, sister," the woman said to her as she worked. Rey grunted in response.

"You killed Annie, didn't you?"

Memories Rey would rather have forgotten flooded into her mind. Cutting flesh, a body falling to the ground with a scream, and then silence.

That's right, she had killed their comrade.

"Yeah," she whispered gravely. "I killed Annie."

The captive sighed of relief. _Why?_ Rey felt the woman's ragged breath on her neck.

"Thank you…"

Rey swallowed down her tears. "Don't thank me. I killed your friend." _Please, I don't deserve this._

Rey felt like she was going to cry. But had to stay strong, for her sake, and the captive's.

The woman looked at her fallen comrade's body on the ground, and then at Rey. Her eyes were a stunning blue, Rey noticed. But they were sad… so very sad.

"If Annie had survived, she would've been taken here… and—" the woman choked. "—one person getting defiled is enough."

_Oh god, don't say that,_ Rey pleaded.

The captive bowed her head. "I'm glad Annie died when she did. In battle. Not like this…"

"I—" Rey began, but made it no farther. That's when she heard footsteps; _Ben_. He was coming for her. She had to move fast.

Rey got back to working on the bindings, so hard her hands bled. The footsteps were approaching fast, and she didn't have the time to finish—

That's when the woman spoke to her again.

"Sister."

"What is it?" Rey sobbed, and then cried out in rage; the metal simply wouldn't give way, even with all her powers.

"Can you do one thing for me?" the captive asked.

Kylo Ren was almost there, Rey could feel his steps approaching.

"Yeah." Rey breathed, her hands shaking. _I just wish I could do more._

The woman looked at her, with those sad, sad blue eyes. _Pleading_.

"Set me free," the woman whispered. How her voice could sound so serene, Rey never understood.

"Goddammit, I'm _trying_ to!" Rey cried, tears of frustration streaming down her eyes.

"No," the captive said. "Not that kind of free."

Realization dawned on Rey.

_Free_.

_Set me free._

A tear rolled down Rey's cheek. She opened her mouth.

"I will," Rey whispered, and nothing else.

The woman closed her eyes for the last time in her life. Rey would never see that beautiful blue again.

"Thank you," the woman whispered. " _Thank you…_ "

Rey used the force to find her neck.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"Don't be."

_I'm so sorry…_

Rey felt her invisible hands wrap around the woman's delicate neck. She closed her eyes. Took a breath.

And tightened her grip until there was no life left.

"There," Rey whispered, when her heartbeat was the only one remaining.

"You're free, now."

_Free._


	8. VIII: Dead People Don't Sin

By the time Kylo Ren got to the dungeons, it was too late. The prisoners were already dead, and amongst the dead bodies stood Rey, alone.

He looked into her eyes, but found nothing. Her gaze was made of stone.

"You killed her," Ben remarked, tilting his head towards the dead woman on the ground.

"She asked me to," Rey breathed, saying nothing else.

"Why did you do this?" Kylo Ren asked her. His voice was soft, low, and dangerous.

"I couldn't let you torture— rape— them anymore, Ben," Rey spat.

Ben took another step. "I didn't touch them. Someone else did."

Rey let out a strangled cry of rage. "Then why didn't you stop them?! Tell me, Ben!"

"You know I couldn't-" Ben started, but made it no further before getting interrupted.

"— I don't fucking care!" Rey screamed, throwing herself at him. "They didn't do anything wrong and yet they were tortured and raped half to death!"

"They're the fucking enemy!" Kylo roared, grabbing her roughly with his hands. Rey started to attack him with her fists, nails, teeth— anything that could hurt.

Kylo Ren wanted to hurt her as well, but he didn't, because deep down he knew that he deserved it.

By the time Rey was finished, they were both covered in blood; Ben's blood. And yet Rey was the one more broken.

"They're dead now..." Rey sobbed into the darkness, her tears mixing with the blood on her face "... And I was the one who kill them."

Ben closed his eyes, ignored the pain. He waited there for her until Rey spoke again.

"I want to die," Rey choked.

"I wish I could kill you," he replied.

Rey said nothing at that. So Ben asked her why she wanted to die.

Rey whispered softly to him, words that haunted Ben for the remainder of his life.

"Dead people don't sin."


	9. IX: Confinement

After the failed attempt to save the captives, Rey was put into captivity herself. They put her into a small cell with shadow-colored walls and no windows. Her cell was close to Kylo Ren's sleeping quarters, so he could "keep an eye on her."

Rey didn't like the sound of that, but kept her mouth shut.

* * *

She asked them how long she'd be confined. They refused to tell her.

Rey tried asking Ben instead.

He told her she could die in her cell for all he cared.

Fuck, Rey didn't care either.


	10. X: Tears in the Dark

Rey had been confined for three days now. She had gotten used to the darkness now, and the solitude.

As a matter of fact, Rey liked being alone. No matter what she tried to tell herself, the truth is that people disgusted her.

Now that she was alone again, Rey could sink back into the comfortable silence and live the rest of her life in solitude, in peace.

It wasn't all peaceful, really, but Rey refused to acknowledge that solitude could hurt, too. That she would lie awake, crying into the darkness, wanting nothing more than her parents to hold her one more time.

In the mornings, Rey would pretend like nothing ever happened, to try and forget the pain.

Tears are, after all, nothing but water and salt.

* * *

Though he pretended not to notice, Kylo Ren knew that Rey cried every night. And he knew why, too. For as long as he had known Rey, she had never been one to stand violence. Always, she had to fight against it, no matter what side she was one, what color she wore, or who she would end up betraying.

But after the day when she had taken his hand, Rey had begun changing.

She didn't smile as much anymore, and cried so much more. Rey was becoming more and more like _him_ every day. Like a monster.

Kylo Ren didn't like it. Not one bit.

But in the end, he was to blame for this. If he hadn't seduced her with talks about dark thrones and petty dreams of _freedom,_ she wouldn't have become like this.

If he hadn't held out his hand, she would've been happy.

She wouldn't be crying into the darkness every night.


	11. XI: Interrogation

They told her that she would be interrogated for a period of time, so they could determine if she was still sane enough to fight for them. Rey doubted this strongly, but agreed to participate, if only for sport.

And guess who was going to interrogate her? Fucking _Kylo Ren_. Him, of all people. The _one_ person in the _entire_ _First Order_ who Rey wanted dead more than anything. The _one_ person Rey knew better than anyone else, though she never admitted it.

The _one_ person who Rey couldn't lie to, no matter how much she wanted to.

_… Fuck._

* * *

When Kylo Ren heard the news, he told them to choose someone else for the interrogation. _Anyone_ would be more fit for the task them himself, for fuck's sake.

But apparently, the First Order thought it was a brilliant idea to put two bitter enemies together in a room for several hours.

Kylo Ren was sure that they would end up killing one another after only the first few words. But he had no choice but to accept the task given to him, so he resigned himself to spend the next few days arguing until his throat was sore, and with some kind of stuck-up vigilante to top it off.

He would be lying if he said he looked forward to it.


	12. XII: Falling Into You

Kylo Ren entered Rey's room to find her already waiting for him. She stood in the center of the room, clad in black as always, her gaze steady as it met his. Kylo Ren certainly didn't feel as steady, but he tried not to let anything show.

He walked slowly over to Rey, his footsteps loud and resonant against the cold, dark stone floor. Rey made no sound when she moved; her feet were bare.

Kylo Ren found the sight strangely stimulating, for some reason. He had never seen her feet naked before. He wondered, how would the rest of her would look unclad?

As soon as the thought struck Kylo Ren, he brutally forced it out of his head and averted his eyes back to Rey's face.

"Let's just get this over with," he muttered, pulling out a pair of handcuffs. Rey looked at the metal bracelets and crossed her arms with a skeptical glare.

"You know I don't need those, right?"

Ben nodded, giving her the faintest smile. "Yeah. But I'd feel safer if you wore handcuffs, all the same. You _did_ kill two people, after all."

Rey resisted the urge to roll her eyes. Leave it to Ben to joke about things like that. And he didn't even get the numbers right.

"One," she corrected him. "I only killed one person. The other prisoner was already dead."

"Oh right… Sorry, I forgot."

Rey raised an eyebrow. "You weren't the one to kill him?"

Ben shook his head. His posture was rigid, tired as he spoke. "No... The prisoner bit his own tongue off. By the time guards arrived, he had already bled to death."

Rey's mouth hung open, a mixture of surprise and despair in her eyes. "Oh," she gaped, too shocked to form concrete words.

"I'm sorry," Kylo Ren apologized, "You didn't have to know that."

"That's fine." Her voice was a quiet whisper by now. She trembled slightly. "… Why would he do something like that?" she asked. "What did you _do_ to him?"

Ben's eyes darted to the side, avoiding the girl's gaze.

"I'd rather not answer that."

"Fine." Rey had already guessed why, after all. She could understand why Kylo Ren wouldn't want to admit that his torture had driven a man to death. But that didn't mean she forgave him.

* * *

The silence after Rey's words hung in the air with abundant awkwardness; up until when Kylo Ren lifted up the cuffs again.

"Give me your hands," he demanded, impatient to leave her presence as soon as possible.

Rey hesitated for a moment before holding out both her arms for Kylo to fasten her shackles. There was contact between their fingers as he worked; both of them chose to ignore it. It was too… _unusual_ to touch one another like that; the only contact they ever had previously had always resulted in some form of hurt, like when Rey had given him his scar, or when Kylo Ren had kidnapped her for the first time.

To touch each other simply brought back memories both of them would rather forget. So as soon as the handcuffs were properly fastened, Ben pulled back like a burned hand. Rey released a breath she had unknowingly been holding.

Both of them knew that the interrogation was going to be a lot harder than expected.

* * *

Kylo Ren pulled up two chairs for them to use for the interrogation. One for him, one for Rey.

"Let's get started," he declared, sitting down hastily. Rey dropped down on the other chair in a cross-legged position. Some habit from her scavenger days, Kylo figured.

"So what are you going to ask me about?" Rey wondered indifferently.

"I'm not exactly going to _ask_ you questions."

"What do you mean?" Her voice became defensive.

"You'll see."

Realization dawned on Rey's face. "You're going to use the force," she whispered. "to get into my mind."

He nodded.

"But you know that I'll be able to see what goes on inside _your_ head too, right?"

"I'm prepared for that," Ben responded.

"If you say so." 

The faint smile dancing on Rey's face didn't go unnoticed. Kylo Ren knew what that was; a declaration of a challenge.

He accepted it by extending his hand and capturing Rey's face in his grip.

The next moment, he was falling into her.


	13. XIII: Storms and Sand

Rey hadn't expected Ben to respond to her slight taunt with such ferocity, so she was caught off-guard by his sudden face-grab. His fingers were gentle as they wrapped around her skull, but surprising all the same.

For a few short seconds Rey allowed herself to take in the sensation of his hand on her skin; it was so utterly overwhelming and terrifying to be grabbed in the face, but the way his fingers pressed against her eyes and lips was almost driving Rey to madness.

For a few brief moments Rey allowed herself to taste his skin and touch, before the force took her, and Rey lost herself in his mind.

* * *

As he had expected, Rey's mind was vast and tempest. Immense waves crashed upon Kylo Ren and nearly captured him in its stormy depths, and the wind howling around him blew strong and hard.

Kylo Ren walked along the beach, seeking answers… and perhaps something more, though he would not admit it.

That's when he noticed the sound. There was something high-pitched and ominous hiding behind the roar of waves and the howl of wind. As Kylo Ren continued walking the louder it became.

Give another few minutes, and Ren realized that it was screams he heard. _Rey's_ screams.

But where was she? Ren saw nothing but wind and water and spiraling sand.

He tried shouting her name into the ravaging chaos.

_"Rey!"_

As Ren's voice tapered away to silence he found that the scenery around him was changed; Kylo Ren now stood amongst endless sand dunes and dead silence.

He looked around for a few minutes before realizing he recognized the landscape; Kylo had been there before with Rey.

It was her home planet, Jakku.

Thinking of nothing else to do, Kylo Ren wandered aimlessly around the desert, looking to see what he'd find.

What he discovered was interesting indeed. It was a ship. _His_ ship, the Silencer.

Kylo Ren looked inside and found no one, but leading away from the Silencer he discovered footsteps. He immediately recognized them as Rey's-- he hadn't spent months chasing her for nothing. He had learned how small her feet were, and what light prints they left in the sand. 

Having nothing else to do, Ren followed the trail for what seemed forever.

At some point he arrived at a house; a small colony. Kylo neared, and soon began to hear Rey's voice once more.

Only this time she was crying. Soft sobs echoed across the soundless desert, becoming only louder as Kylo approached.

With cautious steps he entered the building, to find Rey crouching on the ground. There was an emptiness around her, and Ben knew immediately that it was the absence of her parents she grieved for.

Ben walked up to Rey but she didn't react. When he was close enough to see the tears streaking her face, Kylo Ren spoke.

"Rey."

No answer.

"I need you to tell me something."

Kylo ventured to place a hand on her back. The moment he touched her Rey let out a strangled gasp and pulled away.

"Don't touch me," she choked.

"I won't hurt you," Kylo Ren said softly.

" _Lies._ I know exactly what you want with me," Rey spat at him, edging towards the doorway. "I won't tell you _anything!"_

And the next moment Rey was out the door and gone. And Kylo Ren was chasing her.

Across the sandy dunes they ran, but Rey was weak from grief and Kylo gained on her until at last they reached the edge of a cliff and he caught her at last.

He launched himself at Rey and ensnared her in his arms. She resisted, and they fought. Ultimately, Ben was the one to win but Rey still screamed as loud as her lungs would take her.

That's when Ben took one step too far, and when the two found themselves tumbling down the high-up cliff, Ben screamed too.

* * *

For the longest time the two fell into nothingness, and if there had been any ground they would've hit it a long time ago. But it was Rey's mind they were in, and god knew how far she could send him falling.

But no matter what happened, Kylo Ren made sure to hold on to Rey. Something told him that if he let go, he would never see her again. And he needed answers, _desperately._

After a while, Rey stopped clawing him and became silent. Kylo thought the air became only the slightest bit colder around them.

He didn't want to startle her by speaking loudly, so Ben leaned in close and whispered into her ear:

"Rey."

Silence. Tension.

"Please, just answer one question, and I'll let you go," he pleaded.

Rey bit her lip. "What do you want?" Her lips moved against Ben's neck as she spoke, and he thought he saw a dark substance seep from her mouth and stain his shirt.

"I want to know if I can trust you," he answered.

Rey finally lifted her gaze to meet Kylo Ren's. He saw her eyes for the first time, and they were beautiful. Beautiful, haunting, _dead._

" _I belong to no side,_ " she rasped. The answer was final.

"Then how do I know you won't betray the First Order?" he asked. _How do I know I won't have to kill you?_

"You don't," Rey scoffed, a dark mist flowing from her mouth and eyes.

"You're lying," accused Ben. She had to be.

Rey shook her head. "I belong to myself, and no other. That's who I am."

She paused for a moment, and whispered: "It hurts, doesn't it?"

Ben tried to shake his head but couldn't. Rey slipped out of his arms and he let her.

They had stopped falling, and the air was light around them now. Ben hadn't even noticed, his eyes were glued to Rey's back as she walked away.

Her gaze was distant and covered in dark air as she spoke one last time.

"I'm untouchable, Ben... and you hate that, don't you?" 

… _Yes. Yes I do._

But it was useless to answer. Rey wasn't listening as she walked off into the light. She turned to look at him once more, and offered him one last, strained smile. A smile Kylo Ren couldn't return, no matter how hard he tried.

And with that Rey escaped into the blinding brightness and was gone. _Erased._

Ben was gone, too. Returned to the cell where he had first started off.

Reality felt so strange, now that Kylo Ren was back in it. Gravity was the same everywhere and it didn't change after your mood. Colors didn't turn under your gaze.

In fact, there were no colors at all in the cell. Just black.

It took Kylo another moment to realize that there was no Rey, either.

She was gone.


	14. XIV: Colorless World

Rey opened her eyes and found herself in an endless hall of darkness. The air was filled with silence and premonition, and absolutely everything was shaded black.

Ray brought her eyes back to focus and viewed her surroundings. At first glance, the high-domed black room resembled Sith architecture to the very molecule.

But with a closer look Rey realized that, unlike Sith buildings, this room was in terrible shape; holes in walls invited cold wind and dark mist inside; the ground beneath Rey's feet was crumbling away to a scenery of scars.

This definitely wasn't Sith architecture.

... So where was she?

Rey stood, trying to clear her head and find out where she had turned up.

The moment she heard his voice she knew exactly.

_Rey_.

She wasn't inside Sith headquarters at all.

_Are you there, Rey?_

This was inside Kylo Ren's _head_. Rey was inside his fucking mind… and Kylo was trying to _speak_ to her.

She tried answering. "Ben?"

No answer.

Rey ventured to stand up, narrowly avoiding a falling pillar. She was relieved that her legs were still functional, albeit somewhat shaky.

Having no destination in mind, Rey set off towards the direction Ben's voice came from. A few minutes of walking (and evading falling rubble), Rey began to think that Ben had spoke to her from all around.

Rey was lost.

She tried to talk to him again, hoping for any directions where to go. "Ben, are you there?" Still silence.

_"Kylo Ren?"_ Rey tried, running out of ideas.

_I'm here._

Finally a reaction. "Where are you?" asked Rey.

There was a short pause, before Kylo said, _I'm here… everywhere._

True, but—

"Let me see you," Rey said softly.

_Not yet._

A pillar fell, causing the canopy to collapse altogether.

"When?" asked Rey, just as a storm of rubble came flying towards her.

_Soon_ , he answered.

Rey looked up just in time to see the black rocks falling on her. She didn't even try to evade them, letting the rubble crush her body and bend her limbs in all the wrong directions.

Rey let her eyes slide closed, feeling the blood leave her body as she collapsed into the darkness.

* * *

Rey awoke from what should've been her death, completely unscathed.

She opened her eyes and looked around; her surroundings had changed into something entirely different.

The collapsing canopies and broken black walls were no more. Now Rey stood on a thin stone bridge, met with a gaping chasm underneath.

It reminded her vaguely of something… what was it again?

Oh, that's right. This is where Kylo Ren _murdered his father._

Why had Kylo brought Rey here, of all places?

"Rey." She heard his voice. This time, it actually came form a specific direction, a real mouth.

Rey flipped around.

_"Ben!"_

A shadowy figure stood behind her, right at the center of the bridge. Rey couldn't see his face because of the mask he wore, but it was _definitely_ the one and only Kylo Ren. That cold voice of his was unmistakable.

"What are you doing here?" Kylo Ren asked, taking another step towards Rey.

_Good question,_ Rey thought. She wasn't exactly sure… to get information, she supposed.

"To learn about you," said Rey. _To unmask you._

"Fine," he answered casually. Rey noticed he had his lightsaber tied to his belt; but he didn't try to draw it. She glanced down to her hip, but found no weapon. _Wait—_

She was wearing white. The same top she always wore, those familiar brown pants.

Why had Kylo decided to dress her up in her old clothes? Rey clearly remembered burning her garb after joining the First Order.

So deep in thought was Rey that she didn't notice Kylo Ren's approaching steps, or his hand as it shot towards her.

"Rey," he said.

Rey didn't answer. She was still trying to figure out why Ben had dressed her up in light. Could it be he still thought she belonged to the Resistance?

_No…_

Kylo Ren's fingertips brushed her neck. Rey shivered, blocking his touch from her mind.

She raised a hand to his face, running her fingers over the rim of his mask as he continued softly touching her.

Kylo Ren slid his hand down her throat as Rey forced her eyes closed, pulling desperately at the mask to get it off. But it wouldn't budge. Was he that afraid to show his face?

She felt his caress roam down to the rim of her [white, sickeningly white] shirt.

He stooped lower, taking the fabric with him.

He was undressing her.

The last thing Rey felt was Kylo Ren pulling off her shirt; after that her mind took flight and everything became numb. Her hands dropped lifelessly to her sides, having abandoned all hope to see his face.

Rey watched with dead eyes as Ben peeled off her clothes completely.

But underneath wasn't her nude form, but... more cloth— black, this time. Her First Order uniform.

Ben ripped that off as well, faster this time. Rey could tell where this was going. And sure enough, beneath the shadow-colored cloth, white was hidden.

Kylo Ren kept on tearing, faster and faster, as Rey drifted farther and farther away. She couldn't even _see_ his mask anymore; it was all just a blur or colors, just like the clothes he was ripping off her.

White.

Black.

"Stop this," she rasped.

Light.

Dark.

_"Stop!"_

Good.

Evil—

_"NO!"_ Rey screamed.

It struck like a storm.

Rey lunged forward, grabbing Ben's lightsaber her quaking hands. Before he even could hiss her name, Rey had pressed down on the switch and screamed.

And then she saw red. First from his cross-shaped lightsaber as it ignited, and then from the blood that poured from his chest.

"Rey-" rasped Kylo as he staggered backwards. Rey stood petrified for a few moments, before snapping back to normal.

She took one quick look at the blood covered, red lightsaber before tossing it down the chasm.

Kylo turned to look at Rey with pain-filled eyes. He wasn't wearing a mask anymore-- it was broken.

That's when Rey realized _she_ wasn't wearing white anymore. Or black.

She wasn't wearing a thing.

All her colors were finally gone.

"You see this?" Rey spit, pointing to herself. " _This_ is who I am."

Naked, pure, _free_.

"And don't you fucking dare think I'd ever be on your side _,_ you _bastard!"_

"I won't," Ben finally spoke, softly. "I never did."

Rey's face hardened. " _Good_ ," she spit. "Because I will never, _never_ join you."

Ben smiled at her words, his lips sad. "I already knew that." His face was pale, probably form blood loss. "But you know what?" he asked.

"What?" Rey forced herself to answer.

"That means you can never have me."

Rey's breath hitched in her throat, her body froze.

"I know. And I'm fine with that," she whispered, lied. Her throat felt swollen.

Ben closed his eyes, turned away. Everything was darkening, breaking, and he was leaving.

"Wait!" Rey called out to him, desperate, "Ben, I—"

* * *

Rey made it no farther; she had awoken back in the real world, in her cell, shadow-colored as usual. _God_ , she was growing tired of that color.

She hadn't realized tears were flowing down her face. Slow, cold tears that didn't feel like her's.

Rey looked down to see Kylo Ren slumped over with his eyes closed and cheeks wet just like her's. He was holding her shirt with a death grip and his head hovered only slightly above her legs.

It took a moment for Rey to realize Kylo Ren was asleep. But as soon as she did, a plan began to form in her mind.

She quickly rose, hands straining against her handcuffs. As carefully and silently as possible, Rey untangled Ben's fingers from her clothes and set them at his side. His hands were cold to touch, just like hers.

For a fleet second, Rey noticed Ben wasn't wearing gloves and wondered why. But then the moment passed and she sharply let go of him and walked to the door.

Rey strained against her handcuffs; with them on, she would never be able to even open the door. They had to come off.

Finding only one solution to the problem, Rey bit her lip and pulled with all her might. The pain was almost unbearable as Rey strained against the metal, but with a muffled roar she ripped out her hands from the handcuffs.

Before continuing her escape, Rey looked down at her wrists; they were bleeding badly, and something felt dislocated, _wrong._ But her hands were free from the handcuffs, and that was enough for Rey.

And with that, Rey made for the door, grabbing Kylo's lightsaber as she left; a weapon could always come in handy.

The heavy black door, the last obstacle stopping her freedom, slid effortlessly open, and Rey was _free_ once again.

Well, maybe not completely _free,_ but pretty damn close.

Feeling the first smile in weeks creep into her face, Rey set off down the dark corridor.

Soon, she would finally see some real _color._


	15. XV: A Thousand Deaths

Rey had made it quite far before Kylo Ren realized she was gone; ten minutes of wild running, and Rey had covered two staircases and seven corridors.

As she headed towards the third and final staircase, she finally felt Ben stir into consciousness. A few moments after, she felt _anger_. The rage was obviously pointed at her. Secretly, Rey took pleasure in the thought.

_What the fuck are you doing?!_

Rey nearly tripped over a stair, not expecting his voice to come thundering inside her head. After collecting herself and picking up pace, Rey replied slyly, _Making life harder for you, of course._

_Don't be stupid. You're making more trouble for yourself._

_Maybe_ , Rey said in a taunting manner _… But it will be worth it._

_I'll catch you before that._

Rey let out a scoff of disbelief as she turned sharply to the left, sprinting down a corridor. _No, you won't._

_We'll see._

Rey was about to make another comeback when she realized that, indeed, he was on the verge of catching her— she could hear his footsteps echoing right behind her. He must've taken a shortcut, that bastard.

A quick glance backwards, Rey was relieved that, at the very least, she couldn't see Kylo Ren chasing her… _yet_. If luck and leg-power were on her side, Rey would make it to the elevator in time. If not… then she'd be taken to an elevator anyways— handcuffed.

But Rey would _kill_ Kylo Ren before he could do that. She would kill him a thousand times over just to be free.

And then she'd kill herself.

 _God_ , how Rey wanted to kill herself.

She would die a thousand times, if that meant freedom.

Or even more than that.


	16. XVI: A Moment of Freedom

As soon as Kylo Ren had seen the empty room and broken, bloody handcuffs on the ground, he knew exactly what had happened; Rey had escaped.

Kylo clenched his fists in rage. How could he have been so arrogant, being so sure he would best her in a battle of minds? A thoughtless move from Kylo Ren's part— and he had paid for it.

But this was the last mistake Kylo Ren would ever make with her— this was for sure. The next meeting with Rey, Kylo Ren would be the one to walk away victorious.

He would make sure of that.

Even if it meant killing her.

And with a whirl of fabric and shadow, Kylo Ren threw open the door and set off to hunt Rey down and bring her back to him— with or without breath in her lungs.

* * *

Hearing Ben's footsteps echoing behind her, Rey sprinted up the last staircase at near light speed, with no time to catch her breath. But she couldn't let him capture her— she simply _couldn't_. Not yet, at least.

She had somewhere to go first.

By the time Rey had reached the top, Ben's footsteps could be heard thundering after her, and as Rey slipped into the open elevator, she caught glimpse of his dark figure just as the doors closed.

He wasn't speaking to her anymore. No curses roared at her, no screams of anger. Secretly, Rey was happy about that.

Silence had always suited them best.

Inside the elevator, Rey was confronted with rows and rows of buttons. Without the slightest hesitation, Rey pressed the highest floor— where the canopy was located.

There were no means of escape from there— Rey was sure of that— but escaping the First Order was nearly impossible in her current situation anyways… so fuck it all, she just wanted to see some sky again.

Was it too much to ask for, just a few moments of starlight and sky? To remember how life tasted like before war?

The doors slid open and Rey ran out, heading outside, to the sky— towards _freedom_...

… To taste freedom once more... even if it only lasts a moment.

But a moment of freedom is worth dying for, _always_.


	17. XVII: Stars of Blood

Rey stood on the rooftop, dangerously close to the edge, enjoying her last peaceful moment before Kylo Ren caught up with her; he was bound to turn up any moment now.

To pass the time, Rey immersed herself in watching stars.

_God,_ how she'd missed them, the stars. Just the sight of the sky breathed new life into her lungs, made her feel _alive_ again, a sensation she had been deprived of in her dark cell.

But the wonderful, fleeting freedom Rey held could only last a moment; soon, it would be gone, stolen by Kylo Ren the moment he stepped into her world again.

And she already heard his steps approaching; he was coming for her. Not that it was a surprise, but… did it have to be so soon?

The opening and closing of doors told Rey it was showtime. Slowly, resentfully, Rey turned to face Ben. He stood in the shadows, waiting for her. She could taste his rage on her lips.

Rey inhaled the wind, held it in her lungs for a few seconds, and then spoke.

"So you're here."

Steps were heard from the shadows, followed by his deep, cold voice.

"Yes, I am. And I take it you know why?"

Rey scoffed sarcastically. "It's kind of hard to forget I just escaped from _under your nose_."

Kylo Ren smiled darkly at this, and took a few steps closer. Rey stood her ground, dangerously close to the edge.

He didn't stop walking until he was directly in front of Rey. _Why_ Ben insisted on standing so close, Rey had no idea. Maybe to annoy her.

If so, he succeeded brilliantly.

"You ready?" Ben asked, clutching his hand to his gun. He had no lightsaber— it was currently in Rey's hands.

Rey nodded, holding up her weapon in battle position. She closed her eyes and breathed in the wind one last time.

And then the lightsaber ignited, flooding all of the sky in a hateful red.

Rey looked up, and the stars had turned into blood; her dreams of freedom, too.

And it hurt.

Rey looked into Kylo Ren's eyes, and found crimson there as well. She wondered, what color would he find in her eyes?

Probably just black. Rey felt more like a shadow than anything else.

She closed her eyes, gripped her saber tighter in her hands.

Ben leaned in close and whispered silent words to her, asking if she was ready to fight.

Rey nodded in consent, blood coursing through her body.

He drew his weapon, she drew hers.

And so they rushed at each other, like the beasts they were.

Into the red horizon and stars of blood.


	18. XVIII: Dancing with Death

Kylo Ren attacked.

Rey jumped back, marginally avoiding the laser beam fired at her. She took a swing at Ben, but missed as well.

And so they continued into the night, each advance becoming increasingly violent and savage. All the control they had fought to keep was slipping away like sand. They were dancing a dance of death, filling an ocean with their blood.

Rey roared as a laser hit her, and she nearly tumbled off the edge from the impact.

She swore audibly before turning back to Kylo Ren. He blocked her first attack, but not the second one, and with grim satisfaction, Rey watched as she sliced open his shoulder with her crimson lightsaber.

Blood splattered her face as Kylo Ren fell backwards. The liquid felt warm and sticky and it colored her vision crimson.

It drove Rey absolutely wild.

She had to have more of this.

More of _him_.

The fight that ensued was fiery and passionate, almost like sex, only without the pleasure. Only pain. And so much blood.

He cut her, she cut him. An equal trade.

They fought for a long time, breaking everything in their path. Humanity and prejudice burned. Only the dark sky remained, forever untouched.

Several times, Kylo Ren almost caught hold of Rey, and every time, she slipped from his grasp like wind.

But for how long? Rey was bleeding out at a rapid pace- and so was Kylo Ren. The question was, who would remain standing longest.

Rey felt her vision darken, but forced her eyes into focus and continued deflecting blows. There was no way she'd let Kylo win.

This time, she would be victorious, and he would be the one to lie dead at her feet.

This time, Rey would be the one to remain standing after the dance ended.


	19. XIX: Overture

There was a rooftop, silent and still in the darkness. The stars were sleeping, the moon was dead.

Kylo and Rey were neither silent nor still, as they battled on the rooftops. Shots were fired, roars of rage could be heard.

Wounds were sustained.

Kylo knew that things were getting out of hand— He had lost count how many times Rey had been shot, and a large gash decorated his shoulder, colored a striking crimson.

Ben fired a blur of shots at Rey, who swiftly dodged out of the way. A smile danced on her lips as she swung her weapon at him, missing by a hair. Their arms brushed, blood mixed.

They were close, far too close. Ben felt the last of his control slipping out of reach, replaced with that biting, consuming bloodlust.

Kylo Ren hated not being in control of himself, having a clear understanding of things. And Rey. How he hated Rey. 

The fight continued between them, only growing in blood and rage.

Rey showed no sign of tire, only exhilaration. How she could be so carefree in the face of death, Kylo Ren never understood.

All he knew was that he had to stop, as soon as possible, before things became too distorted, unrecognizable.

He had to stop, or else he might kill Rey, for real.

They didn't live in some half-assed fantasy world, where everything was a dream— this was _reality._ And in reality, the dead remain dead, no matter what. Kylo Ren had learned that the hard way, the day he killed his father.

It had been easy, so very easy, to kill Han Solo. One stab, one strike, and it was over. Accepting that he was dead was the hard part.

So Ben knew, now, that if he shot Rey through the heart, she would never wake up again. He didn't know why, but that thought stung him as much as Rey's lightsaber.

He had to find a way to end their damned battle, soon.

Thinking of something would've been easier, If he didn't enjoy fighting her so fucking much.

* * *

"You're going easy on me," Rey panted in the midst of it all. "Fucking stop it."

Kylo stood, his head pounding from Rey's last hit. "Well, I'm not supposed to kill you, remember?" he mumbled vaguely, "You're still a… valuable asset."

Rey squared her shoulders. "You can't kill me."

"We'll see," Ben responded, cracking his neck.

Rey nodded, looking grave.

* * *

A gloved hand entrapped Rey's throat, a blaster was pushed against her head. She was cornered, pressed against the cold, hard wall.

But she wasn't the only one trapped; Kylo Ren was as much her prisoner as she was his. In Rey's right hand was her lightsaber, deactivated, but ready to strike; ready to cut Kylo Ren and watch him bleed.

"It's over," he hissed to her face.

"No, it's _not_ ," Rey acidly retorted, pressing her weapon harder to Kylo's chest. One flick of a switch, and she could end it all with one stab through the heart.

All it took was one flick.

"Stop playing games!" Kylo Ren croaked, "You can't escape the First Order Rey! You just _can't._ "

"So you've tried, too," Rey replied, reading Kylo Ren like a book. An open, battered book with black pages. The pages had to be black, otherwise the blood stains would show.

Kylo Ren didn't respond, just gave a bitter nod.

"How long before you gave up?" Rey asked, taunting. "Two days? Three?"

_"Shut up."_

Kylo Ren's grip tightened on Rey's neck. She pretended she could still breathe.

"I'm not going back to that fucking cell. _Ever,_ " Rey choked. Kylo Ren smiled darkly, lowered his face closer to Rey's. She felt his cold breath on her neck.

"I'm going to make you a liar, Rey…" Kylo Ren whispered dangerously into her ear.

God, how his words hurt her. But only because Rey knew that they were true. Soon, all her words and convictions would become untruth, and she'd be trapped in that empty, black cell once more. A colorless box.

Because black's not really a color, is it? It's just pain.

"I'm taking you back now," Ben whispered, almost a little kindly.

_"No!"_ Rey rasped, turning her head so she wouldn't have to see his sad, hurting eyes a moment longer. Tears of spite rolled down Rey's pale cheek.

She'd lost the battle. They were going to imprison her again, just like the Resistance had. Forcing their silly morals and ideals on her, trapping her in a cramped, colorless box.

God, Rey just wanted to see some color _. Real_ color.

And then Rey heard Ben say her name. And at last, she remembered, understood.

There was a way to escape, after all.

* * *

Kylo Ren had thought that Rey had finally admitted defeat, resigned herself to the painful truth that was life.

But he had been wrong. So very wrong.

One moment, Rey was his prisoner: immobile and defeated. The next, a burning sensation exploded in Kylo Ren's shoulder— she had cut him with her lightsaber— and slipped out of his grip like wind.

Rey leapt to the edge of the roof, swaying dangerously at the edge.

"Rey," Kylo called out to her. For a moment it seemed like Rey was going to respond, but instead she leaned her head back, and let laughter wreck her lungs. It was a hollow, beautiful sound.

Kylo Ren listened in silence, not daring to say anything, or even move, until at last Rey's laughter died away to silence.

Then Rey she turned to face Ben like the warrior she was.

And that's when it happened: She offered it to him, something Ben had offered _her_ only a few months ago:

_A hand._

* * *

Her words were simple, empty; yet they tore apart and rebuilt Kylo Ren's world as he knew it. Black pillars tumbled down and the ground opened up like a mouth inside him.

Her hand captivated him like nothing else; her voice was like a starless night, the dying moon:

"Overthrow Palpatine with me."


	20. XX: Death of Freedom

_"Overthrow Palpatine with me."_

He stared at her, desperately searching for words to say. Anything but "Yes."

"Why are you doing this?" Kylo Ren asked. His voice was shaking. He hoped Rey wouldn't notice, but of course she would. _Always_.

She saw through him like glass; hiding behind a mask didn't help.

"I'm tired of this fucking war. Let's end it," she said, as if it were the easiest thing to say in the world.

Kylo Ren looked at her for a moment and asked,

"You just want to escape all this, don't you? This _war_." His voice pierced her like cold ice.

"God, yes," she whispered. No lies.

"People will die," Ben said. He hated the way his words came out. They sounded almost caring.

Rey took another step closer to the edge, closer to death.

"I just want to be free."

"I know."

Another step. "Would you give that to me, Ben?" Her voice almost sounded pleading, raw in the wind. "Would you give me this freedom?"

"You know I can't."

_I wish I wanted to._

All the warmness that lingered on Rey's face died. She took a breath and tried again.

"You don't have to give me anything. Just help me end this, Ben. Kill Palpatine with me," she implored.

Rey moved to take another step backwards but her foot met air so she stopped.

"What do _I_ have to win from this?" Kylo asked indifferently. Deep down, he knew that nothing really mattered to him anymore.

"You can rule the Empire as it's new lord… That's what you always wanted, wasn't it?" There was an unmistakable tone of bitterness.

He knew he shouldn't ask, but _goddammit_ , Ben simply couldn't resist.

"What are _you_ going to do after the war?"

Rey didn't avert her gaze, answered sharply and maybe even truthfully. "I'll rule with you."

She wasn't offering that because she wanted to. Ben knew her well enough to tell that. The answer was quite simple: There was nowhere left for Rey to go. Everything else had burned.

That, or she'd set fire to it.

"You sure about this?" Kylo asked. It felt like Rey had set fire to _him_ , too.

"Yes." No hesitation.

He was standing directly in front of Rey now. He never noticed when he got so close.

"If we do this, all you'll have left waiting for you is a dark throne and a broken Empire." His tone was soft, too soft. "You said you wanted freedom," he whispered.

"I do," Rey breathed, her voice breaking at last. "But I think I just lost it."

A lone tear rolled down her cheek and dropped insignificantly to the ground. Ben's lingering scar prickled with pain.

She raised her gaze to met his; Kylo Ren looked into the endless void that was her eyes and lost himself in them. Her eyes were steady, confident in everything.

But also sad.

"I'll do it," he whispered, weakly. _"I'll do it,_ " he said again, stronger this time; more resolute.

Rey nodded but didn't say anything. What else was there to say? There were no doubts or hesitations left. The answer was clear. It was time to throw everything away, time to let the past die.

Kylo Ren took Rey's waiting hand and pulled her to him.

They were covered in blood and their wounds stung from the embrace.

They were enemies and they made each other bleed and cry.

But that didn't matter.

Words didn't matter.

The kiss she gave him was enough.


	21. XXI: Wings

A group of men sat around the meeting table, all dressed completely in dull gray and wearing strained expressions.

Kylo Ren always stood out at meetings such as this, sporting his contrasting jet-black suit and mask.

"Are you positive she will not betray us again?" a commander asked, piercing through Ben's drifting thoughts.

Kylo gave a curt nod. "Yes, I'm sure. A temporary outrage, that's all it was, when she killed the prisoner."

"How can you be sure?" the man opposite interjected. The tone of suspicion was obvious in his voice.

"I searched every inch of Rey's mind and found no sign of treason," Kylo Ren continued, "Her allegiance is with the First Order and always will be."

_God, it's so easy to lie._

The men around the circular table didn't seem fully convinced, but at least they knew better than to contradict Kylo. He could strangle every single person in the room if he wanted to, without hesitation.

"Very well," said a commander reluctantly, "Send word to discharge the prisoner."

_She was never a prisoner,_ Kylo thought to himself, but had sense enough not to say aloud.

_She was just a bird deprived of sky. She still had wings._

The meeting concluded.

Kylo Ren gave a nod of appreciation to the icy men around the table, and then stood up and swiftly exited the room.

* * *

Rey waited in her cell, patiently, silently.

Soon, they would come for her and let her out. Soon, she could see the stars again, without any chains or prejudices.

But her thoughts were interrupted by a resonation in her head. Just when Rey thought she wouldn't have to put up with _his_ intolerable voice anymore, that soft cold tone that belonged to Kylo Ren entered her mind, like a slithering snake poised to strike.

It drove her wild.

* * *

_They're coming for you now,_ Kylo said to Rey, having nothing better to do than to talk to her through their little "connection." He descended a flight of stairs, and continued speaking.

_Try not to act too suspicious when they release you… and don't kill any guards._

Silence. And then her voice, echoing in Ben's head.

_What did you tell them?_ She asked, rocking impatiently on her bed. _How did you convince them to free me?_

Kylo didn't notice that his pace had slowed, almost to a stop. By the time he answered, he was standing completely stationary. _I said that you never meant to betray us, that your outburst was only a case of…_

He smiled slightly, deviously.

_…_ _Mental imbalance._

Ben could practically hear her scowl.

_I can't believe they fell for that!_ Rey hissed in disbelief. _You're a terrible liar._

_Only to you,_ he whispered softly, too softly.

Rey didn't answer him. But she wasn't scowling anymore, Ben was sure of it.

He even dared to hope to find a smile on her lips.

* * *

After a short and patient wait, guards arrived and discharged Rey. The door slid open, and the Storm Troopers swiftly escorted her out. Rey was more than happy to oblige.

Rey shook off the Troopers after a few corridors, and set off alone.

The first place she went, now that she could go _anywhere,_ anywhere at all, was the ship hangar, where her faithful TIE fighter was waiting for her.

Time to fly.


	22. XXII: Escaped, Entrapped

Rey sped away from the hangar in her trusted ship, watching as stars turned to a blur around her. She was escaping what was supposed to be the First Order but really was just a large, black prison.

Oh, but Rey wasn’t _really_ escaping.

It was more like she was taking short break, from the Empire, from Kylo Ren, from _life,_ If you could call it that.

If you escape, you don’t come back. Rey had to return by nightfall, or the First Order would return her to her parents, so to speak. 

Sometimes Rey wondered why she even bothered coming back, to the Empire, to Kylo Ren with his dead gaze that screamed tragedy.

Then Rey remembered that she had nowhere else to go. All that was left for her was a dark throne and a broken man to rule alongside with.

Rey’s fists involuntarily clenched at the thought, but not as hard as her heart did. Was this all her life amounted to anymore? An empty, loveless life in the shadows?

What happened to the wind and the oceans, the vast deserts and a family to come home to?

… What happened to _color?_

The thought hit Rey like a train and blew her to pieces. She bent over her chair and cried for the first time in what seemed like a thousand years.

* * *

After Rey had abruptly run off and gone to explore some distant planet, Kylo Ren took the chance to take a much-needed break and a shower. He had not slept all night and was tired. His wounds were still fresh and biting.

Rey was the reason for both these things.

Kylo slipped into the shower and turned it on, wincing at the sudden pain the water brought to his damaged skin.

After a few minutes the pain was replaced by blissful relief, and Kylo Ren allowed himself to sink into the warmth.

He thought of Rey.

He thought of how perfect her lips felt pressed against his, how she relieved him of pain much, much better than a simple shower.

That’s when he heard her voice. Or more accurately, her sobs. At first they echoed faintly distance, but soon grew into a scream that Kylo couldn’t ignore anymore.

Her tears mixed with the shower and burned Ren’s skin. He thought he saw her silhouette crouched in the corner, haunting him like a ghost.

Kylo turned off the shower and threw on a towel, stumbling out of the bathroom. He wasn’t sure if he was running towards or away from Rey, or if it really mattered.

Her figure hid in a corner, looking smaller than Ben had ever seen her. Instinctively, he reached out to comfort her. But before he had the chance to even touch her, Rey’s voice rang out in his mind.

_Don’t._

Kylo withdrew like shadow met with light.

 _Go away,_ she hissed.

 _You’re crying,_ he retorted.

She wiped away her tears, thinking it would wipe away her pain too. _I’m fine,_ she lied.

Kylo tried to disagree but she cut him short again.

 _I’m tired Ben—_ Rey corrected herself— _Kylo._

He knew he shouldn’t ask, but Kylo Ren had spent months restraining himself and he simply couldn’t do it anymore.

_What are you tired of?_

_Everything. This war._ Her voice was sharp, laced in poison. _I’m tired of_ you. _Of us._

Rey turned to Kylo and he found that her face was no longer masked— He saw her clearly now, saw that beautiful, hateful face of hers, now distorted with tears.

 _Do you really hate me so much?_ he asked, softly, sadly. _Do you hate me as much as I hate you?_

Rey recoiled from his words, sinking back into the shadows and growing transparent.

 _I don’t know…_ she breathed. The distance between them seemed to grow.

Kylo Ren was a selfish man, so he asked her questions he shouldn’t ask.

_Why are you crying?_

_I think I lost something._

_Can you get it back?_

Rey smiled a bitter, secretive smile. _If I could, I wouldn’t be crying, now would I?_

 _No. I guess not,_ Kylo said stupidly, paying more attention to that distant look in Rey’s eyes than her words.

He knew what it was inside them because he felt it too: _Yearning._

So he asked her about it, breaking that sweet silence between them.

_What do you want?_

Rey’s smile disappeared. The atmosphere grew dark and heavy, and made Kylo wish he hadn’t broken the silence after all.

 _You can’t give it to me,_ she breathed. _I don’t think anyone can._

Slowly, Rey became more visible, less transparent. For a brief moment, Kylo thought he saw the inside of her ship flash before him.

 _Tell me anyways,_ he coaxed, reaching for Rey but never quite touching her.

 _I want…_ Rey began, but faltered. She wanted to say “freedom,” but something was holding her back. Maybe the fact that she could never be free again. Freedom was dead. She had killed it.

Instead, Rey found herself saying: 

_I want you._

The moment the three words escaped Rey’s lips Kylo Ren’s heart exploded, turned into fire. He struggled to keep his voice steady when he moved to speak again.

 _I can give you that…_ he whispered,

… _If you’d let me._

The silence that followed was clearly reluctance on Rey’s part. But when she answered her voice was anything but hesitant.

 _I’m going to the Death Star… or what’s left of it_.

She looked at Kylo one last time, challenging him.

_… Meet me there._

It was a challenge gladly accepted.

Rey turned and disappeared, severing the connection and returning Kylo to his dark room.

Only the room didn’t seem so dark anymore.

And Kylo simply couldn’t stop smiling.


	23. XXIII: Remnants of Death

After only a few short hours of flying through space, Rey finally landed her ship on the gray unnamed planet that was home to the once most powerful weapon in the galaxy… now reduced to an ocean of scattered junk and metal.

Rey closed her eyes and took a deep breath before stepping out of her spacecraft. The fragmented skeleton of the Death Star always scared Rey, but the thought of meeting Ben scared her more.

Rey was swimming in uncharted waters now. Or more accurately, drowning.

Rey wondered how long she could hold her breath before the ocean that was Ren pulled her down to its lightless depths for good.

Walking slowly but not without motivation, Rey made her way down to the shore. She passed over a slope and paused to take in the view: Stormy waters, a dark cloaked sky, a crescent-shaped structure that jutted out of the water. It could be considered both haunting and beautiful

Rey just thought it looked wet and dreary.

If she squinted, Rey could see the very platform where she and Kylo had once combated, unchanged even after all the time. Nothing really changed, after all. _They_ hadn't changed. Ben still had his scar, was still as torn as ever.

Rey was still the scavenger she had always been. Hunting for scraps to sell, living alone in the desert because her parents are dead.

The only difference is that Rey wears black now, and the scraps she hunts are humans.

Rey followed a serpentine path leading down to the shore, and found an abandoned boat to carry her across the waters.

It wasn't easy, battling the tsunami-sized waves. Neither was climbing up the iron cliffs of the Death Star.

But life wasn't easy either, is it?

Rey steeled herself and kept on going. Water splashed in her face and she wiped it away like tears.

By the time Rey made it to the top, she was two hours older, drowning in sweat and salt water, and her limbs felt like lead.

She found a secluded spot sheltered from the wind, settled down, and waited.

Ben was coming, she was sure of it. Rey could read him like the weather. Easily.

* * *

After an hour of waiting, Kylo Ren finally arrived. He came later than Rey had expected. Much, much later.

 _Too_ late.

The skies were already darkening and if Rey wasn't so irate from waiting for him she probably would've fallen asleep on the spot.

Rey didn't turn around when Ben approached— she didn't need to— and listened silently to the sounds his steps made against the metal core. It was a hollow sound. Like an echo, only real.

Rey thought it even sounded a little sad.

"I'm here," Kylo Ren said. Rey refused to turn to face him— she was probably angry or something, he supposed. As usual.

"You're late," she remarked.

"I ran into problems," Ben retorted.

"What _kind_ of problems?" Rey probed with a mocking tone. "Lost your lightsaber again?" 

Ben sighed, pressing two fingers to his throbbing temples. "Abandoning duties whenever one feels like it isn't as easy as _some people_ may think."

She huffed at him but said nothing. Ben supposed this counted as a draw, if their banter even counted as a competition.

They were always competing, weren't they? Ben wondered if that was a good thing. He thought about it for a moment and decided that it wasn't and he didn't care.

They weren't meant to have a healthy, _good_ relationship, anyways. He and Rey were both too broken beyond repair for that. 

"So…" Kylo began, unsure how to start the conversation. "… Why am I here again?"

"We're here," Rey resolutely said, sitting down and motioning for Kylo to follow her. "… To _talk_."

He looked at her, confused, marveling how Rey always managed to surprise him one way or another.

"Talk about what?" Ben asked, arching an eyebrow and plopping down beside Rey. She smiled sarcastically and rolled her eyes.

"We're currently planning to overthrow and completely reform the First Order as we know it… So… we _might_ have a great deal to talk about, don't you think?"

Kylo Ren sighed. He wasn't sure if spending all night scheming with Rey was a good thing or something terrible.

He thought maybe both.

* * *

"When do you think we should kill Palpatine?" Rey asked.

"Shouldn't you be worrying _how_ we go about killing him instead of _when?_ He is powerful, Rey. Probably the _most_."

Rey shrugged nonchalantly. "We'll figure something out."

"We could die."

A pause. A heavy silence. "… I know."

Something was off. "And you don't think that's a problem?"

Rey shook her head and decidedly avoided Kylo's gaze. "No," she said. "No, I don't."

He looked at her uncannily tranquil profile and let the weight of her words sink in. He understood. His thoughts came unveiled.

"Fuck," Ben spat. " _Fuck_ …"

Rey looked at him curiously.

"… You're _suicidal_ ," he whispered.

Rey bit her lip and nodded. "Yes. Yes, I am." She was too tired to deny it any more. "Anything wrong with that?" she asked.

 _Only a thousand things. Or even more than that_ , Kylo wanted to say, scream at her.

Instead, he simply said, "No."

"Good," Rey said and turned away.

The silence returned and for the first time Kylo didn't welcome it. The silence was like a flame, burning his skin and heart.

"… How long?" Kylo asked, hardly breathing. "How long have you wanted to…?"

"Take a guess," Rey answered emotionlessly, making Ben wonder what twisted game she had just pulled him into.

"When you first joined the Empire."

"No."

"After your first mission?"

"… No." She shook her head with a sigh. Kylo Ren closed his eyes and revisited all their distorted confrontations and encounters of the past. One sharded memory stood out amongst the rest.

Kylo Ren opened his eyes. He'd found it. The trigger, the breaking point or Rey the scavenger.

So she did have a heart after all.

"The war prisoners," he whispered. "The girl you had to kill."

Rey's eyes glistened with moisture for a moment, before she blinked the tears away. She nodded in affirmation.

Rey looked up at the sky and sighed— a slow breath of air, colored white in the cold wind. And she started talking.

"When I joined the First Order I was ignorant and naive. I thought I could run away from things just by switching sides," she confessed. "... But it doesn't really make a difference, does it?"

Kylo draped his cape closer to his body and shook his head. "I guess not."

"But then I met those prisoners and now I _know_. I know what war really is. What it _does_ to people," Rey said bitterly. "You either die, or live on in suffering. There's no way out of it."

She lifted a cold hand and ran it over Ben's scar, the one she had given him so long ago. She leaned in and pressed a light kiss to his lips. Kylo wasn't sure how to react so he didn't react at all.

He felt numb.

"I didn't understand what I'd gotten myself into before..." Rey breathed. "Now I do." Her words fell like soft snow on Kylo's heart and froze him in place.

Rey let out a slow sigh and pulled her legs up to her chest. She seemed to grow smaller in front of Kylo's eyes, shivering in the darkness.

Kylo looked at Rey and she looked cold. Dead, almost. He hesitated for a moment, and then moved in to drape an arm around her frozen shoulders.

Rey tensed, and for a moment Kylo thought she might move away.

She didn't.

Surrounded by warmth but not burned by it, Rey closed her eyes and allowed herself to sink into his arms and into sweet nothingness.

* * *

They spent the night outside in the cold. Only it didn't feel so cold with company.

Rey slept soundly and without dreams (she only ever had nightmares, anyways).

Had it not been for her steady breathing against his neck and the calming throbbing of her heart, Kylo would've thought her dead.

She probably hadn't slept so deeply for a long time.

Kylo remained awake throughout the night. He held her warm, broken body to his chest and stared up at the stormy sky, feeling at peace but not tired at all.

Had there been stars he would've found them beautiful.

Ben bent down and pressed a soft kiss on Rey's cheek.

He looked at her sleeping, tranquil face, and thought he might just love her.


	24. XXIV: Silence Broken

Kylo woke up on the Death Star the next morning, cold, rain-soaked, and alone. _Alone_.

He certainly hadn't been alone when he fell asleep. Rey had been in his arms, and they had been cold and broken together.

Now Kylo didn't feel her at all, not even the slightest lingering of her presence.

He stood, walked around the metallic surface of the Death Star, and wondered where Rey could've gone _now_.

He half-heartedly searched around the Death Star remnants for another few minutes, finally coming to terms that Rey had left him.

Obviously, Kylo wasn't the slightest surprised that she had disappeared— she was a scavenger after all; unreliable, fickle, wild. It ran in her blood, just like murder ran in his.

Kylo was just surprised he had managed to hold onto her for so long. Knowing Rey, she would be gone for a good few days now.

Part of Kylo was relieved. But all the more, he felt disappointed. He wasn't exactly sure why.

* * *

Kylo Ren returned directly to base from the Death Star. He didn't bother stopping to look for Rey. If she didn't want to be found, hunting her down would be futile.

Ben had learned this in their early days together, when Rey was a Rebellion fighter and Kylo was her greatest adversary.

Back then, Rey had still believed in the lie called justice.

She knew better now, and so did Kylo. There was no justice in the world, no crime. Just humanity, in its purest form, at its most raw.

In one way or another, they were all monsters.

* * *

Two days later, Kylo found Rey back at the base, acting completely normal and carrying out her usual duties with uncanny composure. Obviously hiding something but hiding it well.

He didn't ask where she'd been gone for the past two days.

She didn't tell him.

Life went on.

* * *

After Rey's return from her little escapade, Ben suggested to her that they wait to kill Palpatine after the Rebellion is less of a problem. It would make things easier, he said. They'd have one less thing to worry about.

Rey just nodded and walked away. She was too tired to care anymore.

* * *

Rey and Kylo Ren didn't speak much for the next few days. They agreed that it would seem too conspicuous if they were seen together. People might start smelling treachery.

That was a lie, a pitiful excuse just to avoid each other. But what did it matter? The past was dead, and so was truth. The best thing to do was to keep on living an ordinary, mundane life, distracting themselves with frivolous thoughts and trivial problems.

To do this, Rey and Kylo went through their normal routines, day by day, thinking as little as possible and feeling even less.

Training, flying, killing, and more killing.

Rey was almost getting used to the stench of blood on her hands and heart.

Kylo tried in vain to get used to the dead void in Rey's once-living eyes.

* * *

After two weeks of blissful silence, talking became an alien notion. Something other people enjoyed but not them.

People spoke languages such as Shyriiwook and Huttese. Some people understood the incomprehensible Droidspeak.

Rey and Ben spoke Silence. Fluently.

Words were useless, after all. Rey could tell Kylo everything he needed to know in just one glance, a fleeting gesture. And she could read him like a book, if she wanted to.

Words were meaningless anyways. Every last confession of their's had already been spoken (screamed). Every last insult had hit its mark and burned. There was nothing left to say, no plans unplanned.

The tracks for their coup d'état were laid and ready. Palpatine was going down, and the dark throne would be theirs.

All that was left now was to wait and wear their betrayal behind a mask called "loyalty."

* * *

If war was a storm that kills everything in its path, then it is approaching, quickly.

The First Order intercepted plans for a Resistance all-out attack, and immediately began making preparations for its own.

Things were progressing at an alarming rate, too fast.

If everything went as planned, the Resistance would fall and the Empire would rise victorious at last.

But Rey knew better. She knew that the Empire's time to fall would come just as surely as the Rebellion's. War was like that. War wouldn't care if you were a virtuous soul that didn't deserve to die. It wouldn't care if you were strong, the strongest.

In war, everybody is on equal footing.

In war, nobody really wins.

* * *

Rey and Kylo Ren stood together, looking out the window of the command ship and watching a small troop of Resistance fighters burn.

In only a few short months they would joins those ships on the battlefield. Rey wondered if she would burn, too.

Kylo shifted his gaze from the glass and turned to his companion. "Are you scared?" he asked Rey. His words were light and casual-sounding, but the meaning behind them wasn't.

Rey's eyes widened behind her mask, shaken by the sound of Ben's voice after so long. She'd forgotten how much she had missed his deep, abyssal voice. And how much she hated it.

"… No," she answered, her voice coarse from misuse. "I'm not."

"Good," Ben said, smiling behind his mask. "Because I am."

Rey blinked her eyes once, twice in disbelief. "Scared of what?" she asked dubiously.

"Of losing."

Rey laughed and pressed a hand to the cold glass. "Does it really matter?" she asked softly. "We have nothing left to lose."

They stood in silence for a long time, watching the explosions in the sky as if they were fireworks. As the last Resistance ship turned to fire and ash, Kylo looked away and said,

"I do."

Realization dawned on Rey and her heartbeat thundered to life in her chest after being dead for so long.

* * *

 _Do you still want to die?_ Ben asked Rey as he lay awake at night, unable to sleep because the silence was too loud.

Rey didn't answer at once, but he knew she was awake. Kylo could feel her fatigued eyes staring blankly into nothingness, seeing things that weren't there.

 _Why do you ask?_ Rey questioned, speaking to the shadows more than him.

_That day on the Death Star. You told me you wanted to die._

Rey closed her eyes in remembrance.

_I did say that, didn't I?_

Kylo nodded, his lips pressed tightly shut. The room was so dark he might as well be blind.

 _Is it true?_ He croaked, whispered:

_… Do you?_

Rey's lips were so dry that when she bit them she drew blood.

 _I don't know,_ she answered truthfully. She wrapped the darkness around her like a blanket and closed her eyes, ready to escape into some dream or distant nightmare.

Apparently, Kylo had different ideas.

 _Are you feeling better now?_ he asked, some kind of distorted concern in his words as he asked her about that fateful night on the Death Star.

Rey shook her head, already drifting off. _No… Not better,_ she said dully.

_… Different._

* * *

Whether _different_ was better or not, that was the question. But whether he was ready for it or not, Kylo Ren was going to witness just how "different" Rey could become.

He would watch her flower and bloom like a black lily she was, and then wither and die.

Kylo wondered, if Rey would pull him down along with her in death, or if he would be the one to have plucked her at the very end.

At night, Kylo lay awake, terrified. He was scared of losing Rey.

And all the more scared of losing himself.

* * *

Rey thought about how pleasant it would be to let it all go, to actually die. There would be no more pain, no more feeling. No more color.

Rey wondered if she even wanted to kill herself, and if she was strong enough to do it.

She thought maybe not.

But soon.


	25. XXV: Faceless Again

Rey would never forget the day she was given her mask for the first time. Suspicious, always suspicious, she had to ask why. They had told her that, as Kylo Ren's most brilliant student, she was worthy of the title "Ren," and ownership over the mask.

But Rey didn't feel worthy at all. Despite everything that had changed and distorted in her life, she still felt like Rey the Scavenger and nothing else. She wasn't even sure if she _wanted_ to be anything more.

But Rey liked the mask well enough, despite. It was cold and black and smooth to touch.

On a hunch, Rey decided to keep it.

* * *

Many months later, Rey picked up the mask again, after so many months of disuse. She decided it was time to start wearing it again, now that the storm called War was thundering so close.

She picked it up and held it to her face. The mask was cold and black. It made her feel empty. It made her feel free. _Different_.

Rey started wearing the mask, but only on occasions, when she felt like it. But as her connection with the Dark Side grew, so did her affinity with the mask, and soon Rey was wearing it every day. She hardly even took it off anymore.

Rey developed a strange kind of comfort in the cold, black metal pressed to her skin. Her mask had become her new face, her identity.

It was all she was, really. A cold, colorless being, no longer with a soul.

Behind her mask, Rey could cry as much as she wanted. Hide behind it and disappear, turn into ice.

* * *

Rey hadn't seen her reflection in a long time. She had broken her mirror a long time ago, when she still found the color black repulsive on her— if it even counted as a color.

 _It doesn't seem right,_ she had told herself over and over again like a defective recording machine.

_It feels so wrong to wear the color of the enemy… But they're not my enemy anymore, are they? But I still don't like it, though. Or do I?_

_... Maybe black just isn't my color._

In the end Rey had just smashed the mirror against the wall and left it at that.

She had expected Kylo to inquire about the missing mirror, or at least the tender cuts on her hands that kept on reopening and bleeding, but he didn't.

Rey was thankful for that.

* * *

With the mirror long gone, Rey rarely saw herself anymore. She used to occasionally catch a glimpse of her face on windows or polished metal, and hated that. Wearing the mask solved that problem.

Deep down, Rey was afraid of what she would find in her reflection, now. Would her face be distorted and twisted beyond comparison? Pale and all ghost-like? Eyes hollowed out, dead from too much crying?

Maybe Rey wouldn't have a face at all. That thought scared her more than anything.

At night, when Rey took off her mask to sleep, she touched her face, softly, to see if it still was there.

Her cheeks were damp from tears.


	26. XXVI: Sleepless Nights

_Why do you wear a mask?_ Kylo asked in the late night.

Rey shifted in her bed, not quite awake but unable to sleep either. _Why do YOU?_ she countered irately.

Kylo bit his lip in adamant silence, refusing to speak. Rey sighed. Having nothing better to do, she decided to answer Ren's question anyways. Or try to, anyway. She wasn't even sure if she knew the answer herself.

 _It makes me feel…_ she began, but faltered. Her heart was beating too fast. Why was her heart even _beating?_ It should be dead, frozen, turned to stone at this point.

But still it kept on thundering in her chest, relentlessly, just like Kylo Ren's pathetic attempts to connect with her. But what Rey hated more was that it actually was _working_.

 _It's none of your business,_ she finally replied with a scowl.

_… I want to know._

How she hated his voice. So abyssal, yet soft at the same time, as if it could break any moment— or break _her_.

_Fuck you._

_Language, Rey._

_Shut up. Who do you take me for, a child?_

Kylo Ren's mouth twisted into an almost-smile. _Sometimes_.

Rey scoffed out loud, her laughter echoing in the claustrophobic room.

 _Really?_ she said scornfully. _If I'm a child, then so are you, Kylo._

 _And why is that?_ Kylo was obviously getting roped into another one of Rey's games, but he wasn't strong enough to resist this time. Kylo wasn't even sure if he _wanted_ to.

 _You sulk,_ Rey began, counting a list off her fingers. _You're naive. You get angry easily—_

 _Not as much as you,_ Ren interrupted.

Rey paused for a moment, thinking over Kylo's words.

 _… Fine,_ she reluctantly conceded after a minute of glaring stubbornly into the wall. _I get angry sometimes—_

_All the time._

_Just shut up._

Kylo smirked victoriously. But Rey didn't miss a beat. _But you are so, so much worse, Kylo Ren…_

His smile darkened slightly. _Indulge me._

_You're so grave… and you never leave people alone. Not to mention delusional and idealistic…_

_Can you stop?!?_ he said half-jokingly. 

_Not after you've got me started so nicely…_

_Rey._

The scavenger felt her breath hitch in her throat. The sudden switch between humor and seriousness in Kylo's tone was unnerving, catching Rey completely off-guard and wordless.

 _… What?_ she managed to sputter.

Kylo Ren swallowed audibly, running a finger over his scar. _You've been acting strange lately… distant, almost._

Rey opened her mouth but nothing came out. Her voice was stolen.

 _… Why?_ Kylo whispered, asking a thousand questions with just one word. Rey didn't want to answer any of them but at the same time she simply couldn't help herself.

She sighed and rolled over to her side. She opened her eyes and found herself in another bed, in another room— _Kylo's_ room. And his face was directly facing hers, merely a few inches away from touching (kissing) her. Rey's eyes met with his and the way Kylo stared at her it felt like she was the last person alive in the universe.

Who knows, maybe she _was_.

But then Rey blinked and she was back in her room again, alone and surrounded by strangling darkness. And Kylo was all but gone, save his echoing voice in her head.

 _Rey_.

 _What is it?_ The scavenger rasped, despite knowing exactly what it was, what Kylo wanted from her. But talking distracted her from other things, so she kept on asking empty, meaningless questions.

 _You're hiding something_. It was a simple statement on Ben's part, devoid of any questions or accusations. Just _words_ , and nothing else. Empty, as they should be.

Rey nodded in the darkness, afraid to speak because her throat was so rimmed with broken glass and insecurities.

 _Talk to me, Rey,_ Kylo whispered, almost pleading. Almost.

 _Why should I?_ Rey questioned, her skin burning from anger and yet everything still felt so numb.

_I can help you._

Rey shook her head violently against her pillow, Kylo's cold, empty face flickering before her. She closed her eyes and tried to make him disappear, like a five year old wishing on stars. But there were no stars in Rey's sky— just darkness.

 _You have no right,_ she spat venomously. _N_ _o right_ _at all. So stop pulling this "helping" bullshit on me!_

_I'm not._

Rey gave a sharp, mocking laugh. _Liar_ , she spat. _You're a liar, Ben._

Kylo nodded in silent agreement because it was true; he _was_ a liar. But then again, who wasn't?

 _I don't need your help,_ Rey hissed, her tone hushed and her mouth twisted into a hardened frown. The grimace hurt her lips but she didn't care.

Kylo smiled softly in the shadows.

 _I can save myself,_ Rey said, speaking the truth in a world of lies.

 _I know,_ Kylo said in that achingly soft, almost broken voice of his. _But can you save me?_

Rey closed her eyes but didn't sleep.

* * *

 _You have to find something to fight for,_ Kylo Ren's voice echoed inside Rey's mind,

_I have nothing._

_Just think of something that makes you happy, then._

_Easier said than done,_ Rey murmured, but tried anyways.

At first, all she saw was darkness; a void. Then it began to change form, distort in shape, like the altering seasons. Like the end of a cold, lifeless winter.

Rey was now standing by the ocean, her feet bare and the water tickling her toes. The wind blew and the waves crashed to shore, over and over again, never stopping, never ending. _Immortal_.

 _You really like the ocean, don't you?_ Kylo's voice thundered in Rey's mind. Her eyes snapped open and in an instant that beautiful ocean was gone. Once again, Rey was met with darkness. Only this time, it was her room.

Rey hugged her knees and flopped back down on her bed, not having realized that she'd sat up in the first place. Tentatively, Rey placed a hand on the pillow beside her.

She could almost feel Ben's warmth radiate off her skin, hear his uneven breathing beside her.

Rey turned to the side, and for a moment she saw a pair of dark, glassy eyes staring back at her. Then she blinked and they were gone. But the voice that belonged to them wasn't.

_Rey…_

_Tell me, Ben,_ Rey began, her voice dropping to a whisper, _What do_ you _fight for?_

There was a silence. For a moment, Kylo Ren stopped breathing, his heart stopped beating. Time was still.

 _I don't know…_ Ben finally stammered in that achingly soft, confused voice of his.

 _Then why do you?_ Rey whispered.

Only silence followed.


	27. XXVII: Mindbreaker

Rey found that going out at night was far more pleasant than the day. There weren’t half as many Storm Troopers skulking in the hallways, and even less bothersome commanders that asked all the wrong questions and never left her alone.

But even when someone _did_ dare disturb Rey on her nightly explorations, all it took was brief eye contact and the flick of a finger to twist their minds to her pleasing.

The mind trick, as it was called, was quite a useful skill, and Rey had no qualms in using it when needed— or when she felt like it.

The commanders, the stormtroopers, the whole fucking First Order-- they were all helpless to stop Rey. Because she was powerful. And they were weak.

Rey could do anything she wanted with people; grope inside their little heads and twist their thoughts as she saw fit.

She could even make people kill themselves, if she felt inclined to.

She could make them _dance_.

* * *

One night, a Storm Trooper had the misfortune of running into Rey on her nightly explorations.

He stood before her, glaring at her through his plastic white helmet. The scavenger returned his gaze with a controlled, unafraid gaze. What was to be scared of? Storm Troopers were no threats to her.

They thought they were so strong with their armed suits and guns, but Rey knew better. She’d teach them what danger _really_ was. She’s teach them _fear._

The scavenger tilted her head and focused on the man standing before her. A smile burned on her lips.

“What are you doing here?” the Trooper questioned in a harsh, metallic voice .

Rey quirked an eyebrow, focusing all her energy on the Force. “Nothing,” she replied. “And neither are you.”

“What—“ the guard began, but it was too late.

“ _You’re not here,_ ” Rey hummed.

There was a slight hesitation, and then, like a fly trapped in a spider’s web, the Storm Trooper fell victim to Rey’s entrapment, too weak-minded to resist.

“I’m… not here,” the Storm Trooper dully repeated.

“ _You’re going back to your room._ ”

“… Back to my room…” The Storm Trooper droned, fully and completely under Rey’s “spell” at this point. 

The guard sloppily saluted Rey one last time before turning to walk away. Rey listened as the steps faded away, a smirk of triumph on her face that quickly faded into a pained grimace.

She continued her walk through the darkness, hating the way she took such sickly pleasure in distorting other people’s thoughts.

But she was a monster now, so what did it matter?

* * *

Rey continued her exploration of the vast military base every night. Drifting through the seemingly endless black corridors; entering rooms that were supposed to be off-limits but she didn’t give a fuck.

Getting lost and finding herself again. Or just getting lost.

If Rey was discovered they would probably kill her, or worse.

That only made it all the more exciting in her opinion.

* * *

Rey’s favorite visiting place was the rooftops.

She wasn’t sure what influenced her to seek out the place, but she always seemed to find herself returning to the dark canopy anyways, like metal being pulled helplessly to a magnet.

The first thing she did was clean up all the blood left behind by her and Kylo’s epochal battle. The blood was flaky and dry, so removing it took great effort and a lot of scrubbing, but in the end she managed it with grim satisfaction.

She returned every day. Sometimes she only stayed a few minutes, other times she stayed for hours on end, up until the sun rose and announced the beginning of another sleep-deprived day for Rey.

Usually the weather was cold and the sky cloudy. But sometimes the night would clear and showcase stars and planets— almost the whole galaxy, all laid out in front of Rey like a canvas.

On nights like that, she was almost happy.

* * *

Rey was sitting on the rooftops, as she did every night. But tonight was different— Rey was _bored_. She was restless, and didn’t know why.

She wondered if Ben was awake. She tried calling out to him.

 _Kylo Ren,_ she whispered, focusing all her energy on their force connection. And then she waited, waited for his answer.

A few minutes later, Kylo replied. _Rey._

Rey smiled, despite how dark everything felt around her. _No reason,_ she lied effortlessly. _Just felt like it._

Ben scoffed lightly, but didn’t press the issue. _Where are you?_ he asked.

 _Come find me,_ Rey coaxed, refusing to give him a location because it was simply unnecessary. Rey knew Kylo Ren could feel her, just like she felt him. And if he could feel, he could find.

 _I’m waiting,_ Rey whispered, closing her eyes and focusing on Kylo’s steady breathing inside her head.

He came.

* * *

Kylo Ren and Rey sat side-by-side on the rooftops, not particularly doing anything, just enjoying the dissonant harmony between them.

They didn’t speak, didn’t touch. They were just… _there_.

It was pleasant.

Rey almost felt free. Kylo felt less dead inside than usual.

* * *

A few hours later, Rey and Kylo were interrupted by two guards, a pair of Storm Troopers on duty.

“Hey,” one of them said. “This place is restricted. You’re not supposed to be here.”

Kylo stood up to speak but Rey held out a hand in halt.

“Wait,” she said. “I’ll handle this.”

Ben was curious to see what Rey had planned, so he complied and sat down again. Rey turned to the Storm Troopers, tilted her head, and stared right through them with her piercing gaze.

“Hello,” she said.

No answer.

“Are you friends?” she asked, pointing at the pair of Storm Troopers standing before her. She swung her leg casually over her knee, but Kylo knew better than to see it as anything else but a guise. There was blood in Rey’s eyes, perfectly reflecting his own.

“You must leave immediately, or we’ll have to notify the commander,” the first guard said, pointing his blaster at Rey.

“We _are_ their commanders,” Kylo whispered to Rey. “Just tell them who we are and get them out of here.”

“No!” Rey hissed at him. “Let’s me have some fun first.”

Kylo sighed and looked into her pleading, hungry face. He rolled his eyes. “All right…”

Rey smiled and pointed a finger to one of the Storm Troopers.

“Take off your helmet,” she commanded, breaking into the guard’s mind with her voice, easily. The man numbly raised a hand and unlocked his armor. The other Storm Trooper seemed petrified as well, no doubt under Rey’s control.

The helmet fell to the ground and revealed a blank, void face. Ben watched as Rey got up and approached the man, her lips pulled upwards but not quite smiling. He marveled at her skill and how much she’d grown, but something seemed… off.

Rey touched the guard’s cold cheek, lightly, and closed her eyes. Was that a tear rolling down her face?

“Shoot yourself.”

Too late did Kylo realize what Rey’s idea of “fun” was. The Trooper hesitated for a moment, then slowly raised his weapon and pressed it to his head.

“... No,” Kylo breathed, but it was too late.

There was a defeating bang and a shot was fired, then a thud as the body fell to the ground, dead.

Blood and bits of brain splattered across Rey’s unmoving face. She stared emptily at the corpse, as if contemplating whether to be disgusted or grievous.

She chose ice.

Before Kylohad time to react (did he even want to?), Rey had turned, opened her mouth, and ensnared the other Storm Trooper in her mind’s web.

Her instructions to him were simple, easy to carry out. Cruel.

“ _Jump_.”

* * *

“Why did you do that?” Kylo had asked her, after both the guards were dead, gone, killed, and their bodies inconspicuously disposed of.

Rey had looked at him a little strangely, as if the answer was pathetically obvious.

“Preparation,” she stated. “I want to be ready.”

“… For the battle?”

“For the battle.”

Kylo looked at Rey, in that way that made her so uncomfortable, because it felt like he was seeing right through her, to her very core. Maybe he was.

“How many?” Ben asked. He didn’t need to tell her what he meant. Rey was a killer now and he wanted to know just how many lives she had ended.

“I’ve lost count.”

Kylo smiled bitterly, despite the blatant seriousness of the situation.“That many, huh?” he joked, but it came off as an accusation more than anything else.

“Shut up,” she snapped.

Silence followed Rey’s threat. The ominous, forced type. Kylo found himself staring out into the darkness, unable to meet Rey’s blood-soaked eyes.

“You’ve changed,” he stated, his words piercing through the silence.

“Have I?” she answered, feigning innocence.

Kylo nodded. “You have. Quite a bit, actually.”

“How so?” Rey draped her legs over Kylo’s; probably out of boredom, or to distract him. He pretended not to notice.

“You kill people now,” he whispered, slithering a hand to her neck and stroking her jawline with his finger, gently. Rey’s cheeks reddened slightly, but Kylo couldn’t tell if it was from bashfulness or blood.

“I’m a Sith now, aren’t I?” Rey answered shakily, closing her eyes and sinking into Kylo’s hand. “I do what I have to do.”

Kylo Ren lightened his hold on her neck, sliding it down to her collarbone, as if to really make sure if she was breathing.

“But _why?_ ”

Rey didn’t look at Ben when she answered, her gaze set on the faraway stars.

“Because,” she mused with the faintest of smiles, “ _Sith_ is just another word for murderer, isn’t it?”

* * *

The sun was on the verge of rising and Rey and Kylo were still on the rooftops, enjoying and loathing each other’s company at the same time.

They had started out sitting almost two feet apart but as the night came to an end so did the distance between them, resulting in their limbs becoming comfortably entangled.

Rey leaned her head against Kylo’s shoulder, tired, but not tired enough to fall asleep.

Kylo traced his fingers over Rey’s face, thoughtfully running his thumb over her tanned and blood-tainted skin. A question kept on echoing inside his head, and had been for the past few hours.

Why had Rey killed those Storm Troopers? What had sparked that change in her?

… Was it his fault?

“I don’t understand…” Kylo whispered after many moments of darkening silence. “This isn’t like you… You don’t actually enjoy the killing.”

Rey raised an eyebrow “What do you mean?” she asked, but she knew well enough what he meant.

Instead of answering, Kylo raised a gloved hand to Rey’s head and used the Force to feel what was inside.

Caught off-guard, Rey didn’t have time to react in time. She had always hated Kylo Ren’s gloves. And she _especially_ hated it when Kylo snooped around inside her head, unclothing her deepest secrets _so fucking effortlessly_.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Rey hissed, trying to pull away but to no avail. “Stop it!”

“Wait…” Ben mused, concentrating on the abyssal storm that was Rey’s mind.

“Get out of my head, Kylo. _Now._ ”

“You’re…” he stuttered, closing his eyes in concentration. “… You’re afraid. Of losing yourself.”

“ _Stop it._ ”

“You’re trying to close your heart from pain,” Kylo’s breath hitched.. “But it’s becoming hard, isn’t it? Because you feel so much of it.”

“Like _you_ can talk! You’ve been hiding your emotions it for _years!_ ”

“Yes. I have,” Kylo answered darkly, finally removing his hand from Rey’s face. “And see what I’ve become”

Rey’s voice diminished to a hushed tone. “… A monster.”

“Yes.”

He smiled softly, running his finger along his scar. “I used to be so angry, and emotional— like you.”

Rey couldn’t bring herself to glare.

“But now,” Kylo choked, “I feel nothing, nothing at all.”

Kylo bent his head and continued, in that achingly soft voice of his.

“… I feel dead.”

* * *

“I’m afraid. Afraid of what you’re turning into, Rey,” Kylo Ren confessed as morning dawned. It wasn’t the best conversation opener but it’d have to do.

“Oh? And what is that?” Rey asked. Her voice was nonchalant, but Kylo knew that was just a guise, yet another lie.

Ben looked distantly out the window. “You’re becoming more like me--“

“— A monster,” Rey interrupted.

“Yes. That’s it.”

Silence followed Kylo’s words. It wasn’t until much, much later that Rey ventured to break it. Morning had broken and it was time to depart the rooftop .

Rey turned to Kylo before leaving.

“You turned me into this, you know,” she whispered, almost inaudibly.

“I know,” he breathed.

Ben opened his mouth to say more, but Rey had already began to walk away, escaping him.

Kylo Ren remained standing a long time after that, not finding it in him to move.

“I’m sorry,” Ben whispered into the shadows where Rey stood, not yet having departed. “I shouldn’t have asked you to join me, Rey. I’m a selfish man.”

“Yes,” Rey said from where she stood, a distance away. She wrapped her arms tighter around herself and turned to face Ben once more. She looked at him with a peculiar expression, a twisted smile.

“… But monsters are supposed to be selfish, aren’t they?” she said, her voice dripping in irony and dark humor.

Kylo Ren nodded in agreement, pretending that her words didn’t sting him. Silence had always been much easier than words, anyways.

After a moment of standing in complete quiet, Rey unclasped her arms, said something that vaguely sounded like “goodbye” and left as abruptly as she had arrived.

Ben listened to her steps as they echoed on the cold stone floor until they faded away to silence. It sounded like a heart bleeding out, stabbed into silence.


	28. XXVIII: Breaking in the Dark

Kylo Ren stalked down the corridor, followed by Storm Troopers. Behind them, prisoners; rebel spies that had been caught, now to be taken to the prison hold for questioning.

 _Questioning…_ Kylo couldn’t help but think that “suffering” would be a more accurate term for the occasion, considering what went on down in the dungeons.

Heading towards the elevator, he ran into someone. The last person he wanted to see, the only person he’d ever want to see.

 _Rey_.

They locked eyes for the briefest moment-- a blink of contact, a whisper of emotion… And then nothing. Rey and Kylo forced their eyes closed and continued walking, passing each other like strangers in the street.

Rey raised an eyebrow at the handcuffed prisoners behind Kylo. She paused. And then sneered. “Another _successful_ mission, I see.” Her voice was harder than ice, dripping in cynicism.

“ _Yes,”_ Kylo replied sharply, turning around. It felt like he was lying. “… You have a problem?” he challenged.

Rey halted. If Kylo had been able to see her face he would’ve seen it twisted in conflict. But he didn’t. Rey hid herself well. Kept her emotions caged inside her chest, where they belonged. It didn’t matter that it hurt.

“… No,” Rey finally whispered. “… No problem at all.”

A few months ago, she would’ve been lying.

Not anymore.

Kylo Ren looked at Rey, but it was obvious that she wasn’t planning on saying another word. So he forced his legs to continue walking, away from her and the surging guilt in his chest. He didn’t look back.

Rey remained in the hallway, trapped in the dark.

* * *

Rey entered Kylo’s room at night. Like a ghost, she slipped through the doorway and slithered over to his bed, dropping to the floor in a ball. She leaned her head against her knees and let out a long, shuddering breath. It all felt so desolate. It was all so broken.

A deep voice echoed from the shadows: “Rey.”

The scavenger turned towards the figure waiting for her. It was dark but Rey and Ben saw each other well enough.

He reached for her; she reached back.

“… Ben.”

They embraced like they were the last people alive.

Rey reaching from the floor and Kylo leaning down to meet her— it was an awkward position, but they managed. They always did, somehow.

“You’re hurting,” Ben commented, drowning in the feeling of Rey’s steady, beating heart against his chest.

“Yes, I am,” Rey replied softly. “… And so are you.”

Kylo Ren bowed his head. His words were heavy, too heavy. “… Always.”

Pain was something both of them shared— it was their bond. Pain was what kept them together, even when everything else was broken.

Rey pulled away to face Kylo. Her eyes held a thousand questions, but she only asked one. 

“The prisoners… You’re going to torture them, aren’t you?”

“No,” Ben whispered, a pained smile on his lips. “Not this time.”

“Then who will?”

“… You.”

In the darkness, Rey’s face crumbled.

* * *

It was morning. Birds singing and the sun shining like there was no tomorrow— a beautiful day for torture.

Ben descended the stairs into the prison hold. Every fiber in his body was screaming at him to stop, turn, run away. But the expectations weighing down on his shoulders forced him forwards, downwards, into the darkness.

One foot after the other, Kylo cascaded downstairs.

There was a door— the only thing standing between him and the prisoners— or what was left of them, at least. 

Kylo shut his eyes, forced the bitter taste of guilt down his throat, and opened the door to darkness. He was met with Rey.

She was broken.


	29. XXIX: Interrogation, Again

The room Rey stood in was circular in size, and in the center was a prisoner, fastened to a machine of sorts— the same one Rey had found herself tied to, all that time ago, when _she_ had been the prisoner and Kylo the captor.

It had been back when she and Kylo had been bitter enemies, and maybe something even more than that.

Back then, Rey had believed in the lie called _morals_ and in the dream called _winning._

She knew better now.

What was the point in caring when you could just… _not?_

Restless, Rey let her eyes wander over the room— she was waiting for Ben to show up and was growing impatient.

The room was pathetically drab. The walls were all painted deep gray, with nothing to anchor her gaze to, apart from the struggling prisoner in the center. But Rey preferred the walls, even if they were boring as hell. Staying focused on her surroundings kept her from having to look at the man. Looking at the man would mean seeing _herself_ reflected in him, and what she was about to _do_ to him.

She was scared, even thought she would never admit it. Scared of what… _creature_ she’d find hiding inside her if she looked at the prisoner.

Lost in thought, Rey didn’t notice Kylo’s presence until he stepped through the sliding doors and into the room. She heard his footsteps, and threw him a fleeting glance— a brief greeting— before turning her back to him again.

“I was waiting for you,” Rey said. Coldly.

Kylo nodded in reply. Almost hesitantly, he took his place beside Rey. It _was_ where he belonged, wasn’t it?

“You ready?” he asked.

Rey had no answer.

How could she be _ready_ for something like _this?_ She can’t prepare for murder. All she can do is endure it.

Rey broke contact with Ben and turned to the prisoner with a frown. Her throat felt like sandpaper.

“Speak,” she ordered.

It was clear in the man’s wide, terrified eyes that he was trying so, _so_ very hard not to give in to his crippling fear. It was noble, in a way. Loyal.

But for what end? _Nothing._ He was going to die, and he knew it, and Rey would ensure it.

And still he did not answer.

_… Why?_

Rey felt something start to boil inside her, something _dangerous._ She was losing herself, wasn’t she? Her self control… who needed it anyways? It was slipping through Rey’s fingers like sand and she had given up grasping for it a long time ago.

Rey walked closer, and the man turned away, eyes tightly closed with fear. Rey was thankful for that. Was she really strong enough to look into the eyes of someone who might as well be dead?

She thought maybe not.

Rey closed her eyes and continued walking. Drifting away. Undone.

She took a last step forwards, and the interrogation was officially begun.

Already, it felt like an ending.

* * *

Rey had never crushed a heart using the Force before. It was sweet, it was soft, it felt _good._ But right now, all she felt was that she never wanted to do it again.

Kylo Ren had been there through the whole thing. He hadn’t said a word; just stood there, silent and brooding as always. He had watched, as Rey mercilessly pulled information out of the prisoner, beat him, killed him. And done _nothing._

_Make it stop. It hurts._

Rey did not look at Kylo— not _once._ She was afraid what he’d see if she did. The mask of a killer? Or perhaps nothing, nothing at all.

_Am I still alive? I feel dead._

Rey buckled over, the walls closing in around her and changing. It was all spinning. Rey vaguely noted that she was throwing up; it felt like she was vomiting up everything inside her, organs and all. Every last parasite coiling inside her flesh was heaved out.

How disgusting her insides must be.

She felt _sick._

Rey opened her mouth and screamed, but she heard nothing. Her lungs hurt, every breath was burning up inside.

_Take me away from here, it hurts._

There was a name. Someone was saying her name.

“Rey.”

_IT HURTS._

“ _Rey.”_

_MAKE IT STOP._

Her eyes crushed closed, trying to block out everything but it was impossible. It just. Wouldn’t. _Stop_.

She opened her eyes, and found herself no longer in the prison hold, but a room: Ben’s. Had she walked here? Been dragged off? She could not remember, nothing was clear anymore.

Her legs gave in, and she fell, but never hit the ground. A pair of gloved hands caught her, holding her up by the waist. They were warm, welcome, comforting.

But to Rey, they were shackles. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t move.

_… DON’T._

She tore away, and crashed into a wall— or was it the floor? Everything was upside down, twisting, turning, coiling. Her heart was thunder inside her chest.

She embraced the cold, hard surface of the ground, pulling herself to her feet, unsteady like a drunk. She saw Ben standing before her, and he was… crying?

She stumbled forward, her hand landing on his face, rougher than intended. He closed his eyes and let Rey trace a clumsy hand over his scar. He was there, even though she saw nothing. _He was there. Alive._

“Tears,” she said, tripping over words. Breaking.

“… Why?”


	30. XXX: Clear Blue Sky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you Theyna_Shipper for making such a beautiful moodboard for my fic!  
> https://www.pinterest.com/pin/641481540668745147/

Kylo had watched it all happen; his eyes did not— could not— leave Rey. He watched her break the prisoner, and maybe even herself in the process.

And there had been blood. Much blood. Too much of it.

Kylo watched as Rey made the man bleed, and cry, and scream. She crushed his heart and slit his throat, and so the story ended.

(For the prisoner, anyways. Rey and Ren, they still had a long way to go before they could call it the end).

Rey was holding herself together, but just barely. How long before she would break, Kylo wondered. She was a walking time bomb, just waiting, _wanting_ to explode.

Rey left the room and did not look back. One step, then another.

 _Just keep on walking and it’ll be okay_. Everything would be _okay._

Acting completely on impulse, she grabbed Kylo’s hand and pulled him along her to wherever she was headed. 

_Forwards,_ that’s where she was going.

By the time they got to the stairs, Rey’s balance had slowly but surely worsened— Kylo regretted not taking the elevator. She was supporting her full weight against him now. But Kylo still couldn’t shake the feeling that _he_ was the one still holding on.

_He just couldn’t let go, could he?_

Ben pretended not to notice the sweat glossing Rey’s forehead. He ignored how glassy and unfocused her eyes looked, and the all-too noticeable blood stains on her hands.

When she wrapped a hand around his back for stability, he let her, no questions asked.

She was trembling.

They stumbled into Kylo’s room.

Rey must’ve inadvertently been drawn to it, for whatever reason. She’d never been to his room before, but because of their so-called _bond_ , she had no trouble finding it, and entered.

Just like every other place in the in the First Order, it was painted black, deep gray, and occasionally with shades of red. Such a beautiful palette of dead colors.

The moment they stepped into the chamber, Rey couldn’t hold on any longer and she crumbled. She fell to all fours, and let out a ragged scream.

Rey hadn’t cried in a long time.

Kylo, who always had a plan for everyone and everything, suddenly found that he had no idea what to do.

He just stared at Rey, not sure what to say, or do, or _feel._

He tried to reach for her, but she pushed him away. And what was the point in trying to speak? Rey couldn’t hear, and he couldn’t talk.

So Kylo simply stood in the room, looking. He wanted to look away, more than anything, but he found that he just _couldn’t._

Because… he had turned her into this, hadn’t he? The guilt was suffocating.

Kylo _knew_ that it wasn’t his fault, not exactly. Rey had made her choice, and walked the path laid out in front of her on her own accord. But he had been the one to pave it, and he just couldn’t stop feeling so _wrong._

Kylo didn’t notice Rey standing up, and he didn’t even realize he was crying until she put a hand to his face and asked _why._

He had no answer. Words just wouldn’t form.

“I’m sorry,” he managed to stumble out. Barely.

Rey did not reply. She simply tilted her head at him, in some form of quiet confusion. She pulled him into an embrace (she was cold, so very cold), and looked at him.

And then she smiled.

* * *

An hour passed. Maybe. Kylo couldn’t tell for sure. Maybe only a few seconds had gone, and it only _felt_ longer.

Rey was sitting on his bed, effortlessly still. She was calmer now. Or maybe just less _living._

Kylo was still standing, leaning against the wall. He wasn’t looking at Rey, but he felt her gaze on him well enough, burning the back of his neck.

“Three weeks,” she said, abruptly.

“What?” Kylo turned, crossing his arms.

“Three weeks until the Resistance attacks.” Her voice was so cold, empty. Kylo wasn’t prepared for this.

“We’ll be ready for them,” he said.

Rey nodded. “It’ll be over soon…” she mused, and looked almost… relieved. Kylo walked over to her (how could he resist?), and took a careful seat beside her on the bed.

Rey was fidgeting with the hem of her suit, but somehow her hand still found itself to Kylo’s. They always found each other, one way or another. _Always._

She pulled off his glove, casting it to the floor, and held his hand, skin against skin.

He was warm; she was cold.

He looked at Rey; she looked back. But when she did, she saw nothing.

* * *

A night passed; Rey stayed. Kylo was thankful for it, even if it was maybe a little wrong to feel that way. It was just too pleasant, being with her. They could talk, and touch, and just _exist_ with each other, for each other. It felt good to be normal, even if it was all just a pretend game.

* * *

Rey slept; Kylo couldn’t.

He lay in the darkness, almost dreaming but never quite, listening to Rey’s steady breathing beside him. She was just a small, unmoving figure under the dark covers, but that was enough for Kylo. She was _there,_ that was all that mattered.

Asleep, Rey looked almost dead. Only she was still warm, and breathing; heart still beating. _Thank god._

Kylo looked at her a little, eyes sweeping over her features for a brief second. She was beautiful, but she was _changed._

She had darker eyes, and dark bags under them; she hardly ever slept anymore. Kylo knew this, because he had been there. Sometimes even the cause of it.

He would hear her at nights, as she tossed and turned, searching for a comfortable position but finding nothing that felt _right._

He would blink, and suddenly find himself staring at Rey in the night. She looked into his eyes, and it seemed like she had so much to tell him, only she never said a word. Never shed a tear, even if it looked like she wanted to cry.

But today, when Rey was lying beside Ben in the bed, it wasn’t from the force bond— it was the real thing. She was actually _there._ And she was _alive._

Kylo looked at Rey one last time, and then turned, curling the blankets around him in an attempt to find sleep.

He didn’t.

* * *

Morning came, bringing a beautiful sunrise into an ugly, cruel world. Rey slept well past dawn, but Kylo still had his duties so he left her in bed and went out.

He dressed himself in dark fabrics, as always. But today, he found himself wondering— trying to remember— how he’d look in something else. Would white suit him? Or beige?

It confused him. He’d never cared about this before, why did he now? Pulling on his boots, Kylo wiped his mind of these _irrelevant_ thoughts and went on his way. But he felt concerned. Was he changing, too?

Ren did his duties, and Rey’s too, because she was overworking again. As usual. She gave too much of herself and got nothing back. And one day, she wouldn’t have anything left to give, and all Ben could do was pick up the pieces left of her.

Rey woke up around eleven. She stayed in bed because she was simply too tired, but using the force bond she spoke to Kylo Ren.

She wished him good morning.

And Ben said it back, because for once, it felt _right._ He even dared smile a little.

He smiled, even though there was nothing to smile for. He smiled, because Rey couldn’t so he’d have to do it for her.

* * *

It was midday when Kylo returned, collapsing into his room, feeling tired but also more _alive_ than ever before.

Rey wasn’t exactly waiting for him, but she was _there,_ and that was all he needed.

But she looked so _sad._ She had looked sad from the moment she took his hand, and that’s just the way it was. But Kylo still wondered _why_ it had to be like this.

Kylo lingered in the corner, not daring to walk closer. Rey watched him from the bedside, where she sat. She was silent, empty.

She leaned back, and looked upwards. If they hadn’t been trapped inside the base— which might as well be their prison— Rey would’ve seen the sky.

The clear, blue, beautiful sky.

“One day,” she said, “I’m going to take a ship, and escape to some planet, far, far away.”

Kylo Ren knew he shouldn’t ask, but he simply couldn’t resist.

“What are you going to do there?”

Rey smiled a little. “I’ll make myself a home. Away from all this war, and death…” She thought for a moment, and then added, “I wouldn’t have to wear light _or_ dark anymore. I could finally wear my own colors.”

“And what color would that be?” Ben asked, humoring her.

“Anything, anything at all… _”_

Rey paused for a moment; Kylo Ren looked at her.

“I want to be free,” she whispered. Ren noticed how her hand found it’s way to his face and wrapped around his features. She was cold to touch, but he didn’t pull away.

He didn’t even remember ever walking up to her, and taking her in his arms. But he had.

“You know that’s not possible,” Kylo breathed.

He ignored the look of raw hurt on Rey’s face. She pulled away, and smiled, even though she was bitter.

“I know. But I just can’t let go…”

“You don’t have to.”

Rey sighed, closed her eyes.

“One day, I will.”

Kylo Ren prayed to himself that she would never have to see that day. But it was in three weeks.

It was in twenty one days, and there was nothing they could do about it.

Nothing at all.

“Would you come after me?” Rey asked. “If I left?”

“You know the First Order wouldn’t let you go so easily.”

“I know. But if I _did_ leave, would you find me, Ben?”

He whispered in one breath, “Yes.”

“… Would you kill me?”

Kylo froze. He forgot to breathe. He fell.

He held Rey’s hand, because he had to hold onto _something._ It was warm, comforting, and he could feel her pulse thrumming soothingly against him. But all Kylo could think of was that he was never going to see Rey again.

And he looked into her eyes, searching, apologizing, wishing he could just _stop looking._ Ben knew what he had to do, what he had to say. But he wasn’t strong enough.

He _wasn’t strong enough._

But Kylo opened his mouth anyways, because, _goddammit,_ what else was there to do?

“… Yes.”

Rey closed her eyes, smiled a little.

“Thank you…” she breathed. “… Ben.”


	31. XXXI: Dreamed

Three weeks; that was the time Rey and Ren had left together; after that, the attack— and it would be their last, and maybe even their end. The First Order _was_ winning, but that didn’t mean everybody _survived._ Rey and Kylo knew this, all too well.

Every minute was precious. And with so much— _everything—_ at stake, twenty one days didn’t seem that long at all. But it was all Rey and Ren had left; they wouldn’t waste it.

* * *

They were in the command suite, Rey checking the screens and pressing scattered buttons, and Kylo lurking silently in the corner, waiting. They _were_ part of the First Order, after all (even if they were just pretending), and work had to be done. But Rey and Kylo made time for each other, even if it was just a sliver of meeting.

Rey spoke, and paused to look at Kylo, hoping to observe his reaction, however slight. “People usually make promises around now, don’t they?” she said.

He opened his eyes and found Rey almost immediately, but his features didn’t traverse; he had spent too many years closed off to just _feel_ so easily.

“What kinds of promises?”

Rey shrugged, her gaze unfocused. “To come back for each other, to not die. Those kinds of promises.”

Kylo almost laughed at this. Almost.

“But what’s the _point?_ Promises won’t stop a bullet to the heart. Promises won’t prevent an explosion from blowing you to fragments.”

Rey crossed her arms, sitting back in her chair and standing from the monitor to face Kylo, and maybe stab him a few times with her piercing gaze.

“I know,” she deadpanned. “I know it doesn’t matter. I was just thinking...”

“— Dreaming,” Kylo quietly corrected. Rey stiffened at the sound of such an unfamiliar term, and her surprise quickly turned into conflict.

Slowly, she turned and approached Ben with slow, barely controlled steps. By the time she reached his chair and leaned down to his lips, Kylo could see just how funeral her eyes were. And how dark her lips looked.

“Maybe I _was_ dreaming,” Rey whispered into his ear, so very close, _intimate_. “… But does it really matter?”

Kylo felt suspended, frozen in place, too focused on his escaping thoughts to even notice Rey hovering over him. “… No,” he stumbled, barely forming words, “It doesn’t.”

“Exactly,” Rey smiled, even though there was nothing to smile about, and placed her hand on Kylo’s arm, her knee on his leg, and leaned down, into a soft kiss.

It was a pleasant distraction.

* * *

Two hours later, and Kylo and Rey were finished. Two hours of mundane tasks, unimportant things that actually _were_ important, and they were _done._

They wandered through the corridors, but Rey caught Kylo before they got any farther, and in the hallways they stayed. He captured her smaller hand in his, and Rey pulled him into the shadows and down to her lips, the final destination.

He didn't try to stop it— why should he? The time they had together was ending soon, they had to take advantage of it _now,_ or it would slip out of their fingertips and never be seen from again.

And Rey was better now, too; she did not look half as empty, or pallid, and she felt more _alive_ than ever. There was a dance in her step, and when she ran her hands over Kylo there was _life_ in her touch.

Maybe Rey knew that time was ending, and letting herself _love_ for once. Because, after that, who knew what might be left of them— if anything at all.

* * *

Time passed Rey and Ren unnoticeably, and suddenly it was nighttime and the small window in Rey’s room shone with darkness. They were resting on her bed, Kylo sitting against the wall, and Rey rocking gently in the center. She had discarded formal wear a long time ago, wearing a simple tunic instead. Kylo had taken off his cloak, nothing else. 

“Three more weeks,” Rey sighed and broke the silence, “… What are we going to do?”

Kylo thought about this for a second, his mind wandering too much to think properly.

… What _were_ they going to do?

“Anything you’d like,” he muttered, and meant it.

Rey smiled faintly and slithered closer, so she could wrap her arms around Kylo’s slim waist, her fingertips meeting on the other side and locking. He returned the favor and pulled her close, pulled her _warm._

“Let’s go somewhere,” Rey whispered carefully.

“Where?”

“Anywhere.”

Kylo nodded his head slowly in agreement before dipping down to kiss Rey again. His eyes were closed; Rey’s weren’t. But when Kylo opened them again and held Rey’s gaze, he saw stars and it was beautiful.

It was times like this where they understood each other perfectly, and not a single word was needed. They simply opened their eyes and _saw,_ saw each other, saw every last feeling, tucked away. They found what was inside, waiting;

The heart.

* * *

“Would you go the Resistance?” Rey asked, much, much later.“With me?” It was midnight and they should’ve been asleep, only they weren’t.

All day they had been speaking of going on a trip, but her words still caught Kylo off-guard, pulling him out of his sweet trance and into the real world (the _cruel_ world).

That familiar feeling of an _edge_ swept over Ren, from the moment he heard the word _Resistance._

“To join?” he asked, hoping he didn’t sound as uncertain as he _felt._

“No,” Rey shook her head, “… To end.”

Kylo Ren stared blankly at Rey, and underneath him the ground was crumbling and there was nothing left to stand on. Slowly, he nodded in agreement, even though he couldn’t comprehend.

All he could think of was that his mother, the mother he had made a widow, was there, waiting. Condemninghim, from all that distance away, after all that time.

“There’s nothing for me there,” Kylo whispered, his voice wavering, lying.

“There’s an opportunity for a goodbye,” Rey said, tracing her fingers over Kylo’s scar, silently reminding him of everything he had left behind, and of who he was, now.

He wasn’t Ben Solo, not anymore. That boy had died a long time ago.

“… Why? Why should _I_ go?” Ben stammered in a sharp tone. He wasn’t angry, just confused. And he knew _exactly_ why he needed to go to the Resistance, but he didn’t want to, he _couldn’t._

Rey closed her eyes, and let out a shaking breath.

“Leia. She’s dying.”

* * *

Kylo Ren and Rey, inside their ship, were safe, alone, and with each other. Nobody there to interrupt, just them, Rey and Ren, in their own little broken world.

“… Why?” Kylo mumbled out loud, too deep in thought to notice he had spoken. Rey raised her head and looked up questioningly, and made Kylo realize he should probably elaborate.

“Why the Resistance, of all places?” Kylo knew well enough why _he_ needed to go, but why _Rey?_ “We have the entire galaxy in our grasp,” he added, and it was true. They could go anywhere, _everywhere._

Rey nodded in agreement. “I know,” she said. “But I need this. And… so do you.”

How right she was.

Rey opened her mouth to continue, but stopped, something clearly weighing her down, pressing her throat closed. Her voice came out raspy, cracked. “I have… people there I left behind.”

“Why _did_ you leave them behind?” Kylo asked. He had never thought to ask this, in all the time he had known Rey, spoken to her, questioned her. But he had never thought to ask her the one simple question of why she had left; it hadn’t seemed important at the time. Now, it held all the importance in the world.

“Why indeed…” Rey mused, as if she did not know herself. She struggled to find words, but spoke anyways. “I just felt… felt so… _trapped.”_

Kylo was silent, willing Rey to continue, because he knew she had so much more to say. She complied, turning her full attention away from the ship’s controls and to Ben.

“The Jedi are painted as this path of ultimate good, the road to salvation. But… there’s no place for weakness, for our sins… for humanity, however imperfect it is.”

Rey smiled cynically, laughing at a joke only she understood. Only it wasn’t a joke, it was a tragedy, and it wasn’t funny at all.

“… No place for _me,”_ she breathed. And Rey looked so very sad, so deserted, that Kylo wondered if he was there at all, and not just a ghost in the background.

“… So you left,” he said, because he had to say _something,_ to prove that he was still _alive._

“So I left,” Rey repeated, but she wasn’t actually _there._ She was far, far away, flying with the stars, daydreaming herself into the sky.

Kylo, the silent observer, spoke a quiet question.

“Did you find it? Your place?”

A minute of thought, and Rey shook her head, slowly, hiding her hands in her lap because they were shaking. “I wasn’t born with a place, I was born a scavenger. I had to make my own place in this world.”

“You made yourself a home.”

“It doesn’t _feel_ like a home.”

Because _wasn’t_ a home, but a prison Rey had built from the blood of the world she had killed. And the prison she had built, it was for herself, and the keys, they had been thrown away a long time ago.

“Do you regret it?” Kylo Ren was asking if she regretted leaving, throwing everything away and stepping into a world with nothing for her. Freedom really was the most bitter sensation, Kylo mused. And yet Rey craved it, he craved it, and maybe every single person in the universe did. Because without it, there was nothing, _you_ were nothing.

“Not anymore,” Rey sighed, and meant it. There was no room for regrets, not anymore.

Rey dared look at Kylo, and he always, _always_ looked back. Her eyes were clear and Kylo could see right to the very end. And he knew; she wasn’t lying.

Having nothing left to say, nothing at all, Kylo dared wrap an arm around Rey, and she looked up at him, asking for a touch, for a _distraction._ So Kylo leaned down, and pressed his lips to Rey’s jawline, faintly.

Rey sighed, and her hand found Kylo’s face, and guided his mouth down to hers and they met. A kiss was born, and neither of them had to say another word.

Until they arrived, and then everything changed.


	32. XXXII: Return

Kylo Ren and Rey arrive at the Resistance base like silent ghosts. They are ghosts, because to everybody else they are invisible, lost, dead. And intend to stay that way.

Rey approaches the base with ever-so-slow steps, skillfully stepping over branches and twigs as if they were hardly there. She is in a trance, and it’s no wonder-- she hasn’t been back for months, maybe even _years—_ of course she feels disoriented. It’s like returning to the scene of the murder when she is the killer.

(She _is_ the killer)

The two of them approach the base, Rey and Ren, hand in hand, trailing the sounds of busy, happy people working their chores, chatting and enjoying life, like one should. But it’s so hard, so very hard sometimes. Rey wonders if it isn’t impossible.

She draws her eyes over the various scenery around her: green bushes, hazel trees, clear, blue, sky if she tilts her head upwards. She can’t seem to stop looking.

It’s like a stabbing to the heart, to realize that some part of her, hidden away so very carefully, _misses_ this. It aches in her chest, that cold, hard fact that she will never laugh again.

 _She is never going to laugh again, because there isn’t anything left to laugh_ for _._

“— Rey.”

The scavenger is pulled out of her memories (had she been drowning in them?), by a gentle nudge on the shoulder.

She turns to the owner of the hand, Kylo, and all she needs is one look at his scar, the screaming reminder of her sin, to be back to the present. She hates it.

Ren’s hand lingers on her shoulder, and she feels it— he is shaking too. Just like her.

“What next?” Kylo asks the scavenger. He looks into her eyes as if hoping to find some form of plan, or direction in them. Rey closes her eyes, answering Kylo’s unspoken question by telling him there is nothing to see, nothing left to say.She bows her head and does not look anymore. There is no plan, no direction. They are just _here,_ and now they don’t know what to do. 

Rey is the first to take a step, even though she is too lost to know where to. She takes a step, and so Kylo follows beside her. One foot in front of the other, they take the path forwards. Neither of them are sure where exactly they are headed, but they are _heading,_ and that’s all that matters.

But then they arrive at the base, and things aren’t so easy anymore.

* * *

They draw closer to the base, and a sensation passes over the two of them. It hits Kylo first, and the hardest. Abruptly, he stops in his tracks, pulling Rey with him, and falls into that familiar pit of paralyzing, overwhelming _fear._

Kylo had forgotten— no _,_ he had _chosen_ not to think about it— about his _mother_. But now that he has, he realizes: She knows he is here. She _has_ to. She isn’t the strongest jedi in the world for nothing. Of course she would’ve felt him the moment he landed on the planet, all that dark energy twisting around inside him just _waiting_ to be noticed.

“Rey,” he hisses urgently, pulling the woman to the side. “ _… Leia!_ She knows, doesn’t she? She _knows.” She knows we’re here and she’s going to—_

The scavenger is obviously worried, but not terrified, not like Kylo. “Yes,” she nods back, sharply. “And it’s going to be _fine.”_

“How do you know that? She’ll alert the members, they’ll find us—”

Rey’s gaze turns stony, and her fists close in resolution. “Then we’ll fight them. We can take them on, all of them.” _We’re not going to die here._

“I know, but— but—“ He can’t seem to grasp his thoughts, so he falls silent and apart.

Rey looks at him, and feels his erratic heartbeat thundering inside her head. She reads him like a book, understands everything, and speaks.

“You’re afraid of facing her,” she whispers.

Kylo stiffens at this, and his pulse quickens more than ever thought possible. Is he? _Scared?_ His insides are writhing in conflict and he feels so _cold_ because why else would he be shivering?

“No. Not scared,” he says with a voice crack that reminds him sickeningly much of that boy called _Ben,_ who had once lived.

“… Guilty,” he finishes.

Rey pulls her lips into a stiff but reassuring smile, and even if it is fully and completely fake, Kylo lets it warm him. 

“She’s not going to find us,” Rey whispers. “… She wouldn’t”

Kylo knows Rey is right, but it doesn’t make him feel better. He nods anyways, and they keep on walking, following the voices from the base, but never going too close, because the sun might just blind them and burn their wings, as they plunge to their deaths.

Rey and Kylo hike onwards until they find a small cliff overlooking the base, where they stay. They sit down to rest their legs, and don’t get up again. The voices beneath are too enthralling to leave, almost like music.

They are both scared, their hearts beating in panicked rhythms together, but at last they understand: They need this. Everybody needs an ending, even those of the most fallen, unfixable sort, even if the ending they crave is incomplete and forgettable.

They are saying goodbye to everything binding them to the past. To let the past die, to kill it. That’s why they’re here. What they’re sacrificing everything for.

Rey breathes in the fresh, humid air, and rests her head against Kylo’s shoulder where they sit. He wraps an arm around her, and there they stay.

Home, at last.


	33. XXXIII: She Says Goodbye

They sit, they listen, they stay. Rey and Kylo linger on the cliffside, eyes closed because all the color around them is just too blinding. The leaves are too green, the sky too blue, and the air too living, so they focus on the sound instead.

The voices below change and distort, and sometimes they stop completely. But still Rey and Ren stay, because both of them are too scared to take the first step (and be the first to fall).

It’s all meaningless drivel they hear, but two voices among it all are prominent and just won’t _go away_. Rey couldn’t stop hearing them even if she wanted to, and _oh,_ how she does. She would give anything, _everything_ in the world to just wipe her mind of those cursed voices that are _Finn_ and _Poe’s._

But she can’t. She can’t move.

Finn and Poe talk about plans, war, and how scared they are. But also about good things, meaningless things.

They laugh as if it were the easiest thing in the world.

Rey hears them, but always pretends she doesn’t.

* * *

Kylo sits beside and watches as every color slowly drains from Rey’s face, washing right off her skin and down the drain, _gone_.

Her hand, wrapped around his, clenches shut, and is cold. Kylo looks at her, but she doesn’t look back. Her eyes are too fixated on the blur of people below, searching for two figures she never wants to find.

“Do they know what became of you?” he asks, careful with his words like a man handling glass.

She shrugs. “Everybody hears rumors.”

“Not everybody believes them.”

“Then, they think I’m dead. It’ll give them closure.”

“They don’t want closure, Rey. They want you.” 

“What do you know?” she flares. Kylo doesn’t understand why his words burn her like this— or maybe he does— but Rey is on fire. She opens her mouth ready to speak, but when she does her lungs give out.

She whispers.

“Don’t pretend you know them, Kylo.”

“Don’t pretend you _don’t_ , Rey.”

 _Red._ Everything turns _red._ “I’m not _pretending—“_

“Then why can’t you even say their _names?”_

_“Because I—“_

“... What are you so _scared_ of?”

Rey closes her fist so tightly, quickly, that her nails cut into her skin, deeply, and lets the blood escape.

_Red._

Kylo, still holding her hand, finally discovers why he had worn gloves all this time.

At last, she looks him in the eyes, because she made sure there is nothing, _nothing_ he can find inside.

“I know them _,”_ she whispers, pointing her gaze to the people below. “But they don’t know _me.”_

“… You’re scared they’ll despise you,” he whispers.

“No,” Rey shakes her head, closing her eyes and maybe her whole life too. “… I’m scared they won’t.”

Silence takes them both.

* * *

At sunfall, Rey walks closer to the base, just a little bit, and she isn’t entirely sure why. Sometimes you just _move._

Rey walks close enough to hear the people more clearly, but stops, afraid that if she takes another step, she can never turn back again. She sits down, and continues to just, silently, listen. Before she can stop herself, the nostalgia sends her falling into her graveyard of memories.

She opens her eyes and sees her old, colorful self walking along with Finn and Poe.

_She is smiling, and laughs so easily— too easy. She is carrying cargo, happy._

Rey fears of remembering the day when she realized that having a place in the world wasn’t all that wonderful after all. 

_She drops a box, but back then they never seemed to break and picking it up again was so very easy._

Rey can hardly recognize herself, like this.

_In the moonlight, when all is still and dark, Rey embraces Finn and Poe, and she thinks that it is perhaps today that the trio truly comes together. They form a promise: To stay together, to defeat the First Order, and to finally escape the masked man chasing after them, for so long._

And now, here sits the “new and improved” Rey on the cliffside, wearing the uniform of the First Order, together with none other than the “masked man.” Her friends are nowhere to be seen, even though they had promised “forever.”

_So she lied._

_So all of it was a lie._

Here she is, sitting and breaking every promise she ever made, and she can’t even bring herself to feel _sorry._

So she just continues sitting there, listening to voices flit around her, unable to move. She doesn’t even have to try— finding Finn and Poe’s faint laughter is effortless. They had, after all, once been the trio of the Rebellion, that everybody talked and praised and gossiped about. Now they weren't.

Finn and Poe are together, and she isn’t.

All the dark thoughts pull Rey’s head down, into her hands, to hell.

_I want to see them._

To embrace them with her greasy scavenger arms and never let go, wouldn’t everything just be so _perfect_ if that’s what she wanted?

And to _laugh,_ laugh like the world dies tomorrow, and the war you promised to fight is gone and now there’s nothing left but to—

Tears escape through her fingertips. They roll down her arm, wet her elbow, and dampen the earth.

_… Die._

Maybe a flower will grow there someday.

“Finn. Poe,” she rasps, but they can’t hear her.

“… I’m sorry.”


	34. XXXIV: He Doesn't

If Ben had a choice, he would spend the rest of his life sitting beside Rey, watching the sunset that never ends. But now he is standing to leave.

Rey looks up at him, still clutching her bleeding hand. It’s not bad, but the bleeding just won’t seem to stop. The indents her nails made are still clear as rain on her flesh.

“I’ll get you bandages,” Ben blurts out before he can stop himself. 

Confusion on her side. “Why?”

“You’re bleeding.” Shouldn’t that be obvious?

“Oh,” Rey gasps, examining her hand as if she hadn’t noticed the wound until now. Maybe she _hadn’t._ “… So I am.”

Her voice is so unconcerned it chills Kylo to the very bone. He should be used to this, but he isn’t.

Rey looks up, and smiles dryly up at Kylo. He shivers.

“My body is crying.”

Such a beautiful, poetic way of describing wounds, but Kylo doesn’t give a single fuck and grabs her hand. “… How do I make the tears stop?” he asks, desperate. Desperate, and he doesn’t know why.

Her smile dies.

“You don’t.”

Ben touches his scar; his own, personal tragedy. It still bleeds on, just like Rey’s hand.

He understands.

* * *

Rey tucks her hand in her lap, because she just can’t seem to keep her gaze away from the thick blood spilling out of her fingertips, away.

Once, she had held the power to heal herself. Now, she doesn’t know _what_ she can do.

Break things, she supposes. Break _people._

She looks up at Kylo Ren, the one person in all the world who she would heal, if she could.

Kylo is still holding her hand, and doesn’t seem to want to move, even if both of them know what he has to do.

Rey sighs and stands up, taking his hand in her bleeding one, pulling off his glove and casting it into the wind.

She’s not sure why, but she places a hand on his neck, and a kiss on his lips. Before he gets the chance to kiss back, Rey pulls way again and stares him in the eyes.

“Go,” she breathes. “Go to Leia.”

He hesitates, but Rey’s eyes are just too earnest to resist. He forces himself to give a short nod, but his head feels too heavy from heavy thoughts to ever lift again, so it remains bowed. Rey smiles, because she’s known him for long enough to tell that he _needs_ this closure. No matter what shape it takes.

Kylo’s hand, previously held by Rey, slowly slides out of her grasp and closes into a fist. His hand is dyed red from Rey’s blood; they match.

Without another word, he turns and disappears down the leaf-strewn path.

Ben, who had left himself incomplete for so many— _too_ many— years, finally takes a step. He walks like a man rising from a deep slumber, stale and aching.

Here he is, seeking out a presence he had spent all his life running from.

He descends the earthen staircase, towards the base, and into territory he never imagined returning to. And yet here he is.

He isn’t home, but he _is_ back.

* * *

One would say that Kylo Ren walks the path forwards, but really, he is getting pulled towards the base by invisible chains and there is nothing he can do about it.

_Helpless._

After twenty minutes of hiking, he steps past a tree and immediately wishes he hadn’t. A figure stands silhouetted by the leaves and he recognizes her immediately. How could he forget?

How could he ever forget his own mother?

_(He tried, he really did)_

And he simply _can’t believe_ that he came back here. He freed himself of it all, his past, and now it’s _back._ Haunting him, right in his face.

Kylo stops behind the brush. He knows she can sense him, but he doesn’t step into the opening, because, in hiding, he can still be a stranger.

_I don’t want to be your son again. Not yet._

(Not ever)

Kylo can’t see her face, but he knows that Leia is smiling. He knows her well, and that can never be erased.

“You’re here,” Leia speaks, loudly so he can hear her from so far away.

Kylo forces his eyes downwards, just like all those times he looked down in shame as a tiny, insignificant child, dwarfed by the monstrosity of all the world’s expectations.

_The famous Leia Organa and Han Solo, saviors of the galaxy!!And their son— just imagine what greatness he_ _will be capable of!! Will he save the world, too?_

Kylo Ren wishes he could close his thoughts as easily as his eyes.

He takes a step forward. And another. He can’t seem to stop.

Finding Leia isn’t hard. All he has to do is follow that overbearing shadow of expectations that looms over him, always. 

He steps out of the shadows and into the clearing, and he supposes that this is the end. And the start of a new era.

The sun shines red through the leaves, and as the wind blows through the branches; a cluster of red light circles dance across Kylo’s troubled features as he hides in plain sight. Leia sees him, but he doesn’t see _her_ ; his gaze is still adamantly fixated on the ground.

Will he turn to stone if he looks her in the eyes? Will he choose to _stay,_ even if that means sacrificing everything he ever valued and becoming nothing but a fake, again?

“Ben…” Leia whispers, imploring him to speak.

_Sorry, Ben isn’t available at the moment. This is Kylo Ren, can I take your order?_

“I knew you would come back,” she continues. 

_You don’t know_ anything. _Ben is dead. DEAD!_

“… Why are you here?” she asks. 

“Because—“

He cuts himself off. Without thinking, he had swallowed down the guilt in his throat and spoken; but not in his ruthless “Kylo Ren” voice, but as Ben Solo.

He hadn’t spoken like that in years.

_Don’t say another word. Don’t speak._

“… You’re dying,” he whispers. He’s letting himself down more with ever second, but he can’t help himself, not today. His mother-not-mother is dying, and he doesn’t know what to _feel_ anymore.

A small part of him almost wishes that Leia would deny him, and say that it was all just one big mistake, and that it was going to be _okay._ He doesn’t want to feel like this anymore, like he is slowly, agonizingly, impaling his mother with a saber and watching her die.

Leia takes a step closer, and even though Kylo wants to run away he doesn’t. But then her hands reach out to embrace him, and with dagger-sharp reflexes Kylo has recoiled into the shadows like a scared wolf.

Because he _knows:_ If he lets Leia in, he will never escape.

The old, beautiful, (dying) commander— she just stands there, staring silently at her son who is dead.

And soon she will be, too.

Kylo cannot see her because he refuses to, but he feels it perfectly, when Leia raises her head and lets it down again, in a solemn nod. He knows exactly what she means. What her answer is, to his one thousand questions.

She _is_ dying.

And no, there isn’t a thing he can do about it.

… Except one.

Absentmindedly, he touches his lightsaber at his belt.

* * *

They stand under the trees, son and mother, but that’s not at all what they are.

The only sound between them is the faint falling of dewdrops to the earth, because talking is so very hard, when silence is so easy.

Kylo Ren ventures to break the quiet, because goddammit, _someone_ has to.

“… I’ve grown stronger. Much stronger than you ever could’ve made me.” No matter how far his voice strays from weakness, it still sounds like a child’s (like _Ben’s),_ trying desperately to stammer an excuse, when what he had done is inexcusable.

“… You can’t hurt me anymore,” he whispers, and _why the fuck did he have to sound so scared_. 

“I’m not going to hurt you,” Leia says.

“You already have.”

* * *

It is the people you love the deepest that hurt you the most. Leia’s face, unseen by all in the forest, falls into sorrow. But she hides it well, and Kylo realizes nothing.

She has to be strong. She speaks.

“You can still change, Ben.”

“… Can I?” he meant to sound cynical and cold, but standing in the damp, darkening air, head bowed like an abandoned puppy and hair dripping from the rain, Kylo Ren looks and sounds nothing short of pathetic.

“Yes,” Leia answers. She sounds so earnest, desperate…

… She really loves him, doesn’t she?

Kylo shakes his head.

“You don’t understand,” he whispers with a grim smile. “… I don’t want to.”

“Don’t do this to yourself.”

_He can’t take it. He can’t take it anymore._

“You can do anything,” Leia continues. Is that supposed to make him feel better?

_Don’t you understand?? I. Don’t. Want. To. Change._

“What are you so scared of, Ben…?” Leia implores, her voice tender when it should be hard.

_Pain. Trapped in a box. Losing who I am because there’s just so many strangers_ _climbing inside._

He chokes, “… You.”

He is so, so scared of becoming anything like her. To hurt others, the way Leia and Han hurt _him._ Because whether he liked it or not, everything his parents did, every last mistake, would affect him and _shape_ him and make him who he is. 

And that’s why, wasn’t it? That’s why he killed his name (and father, how could he forget?), and took on a new persona. He became Kylo Ren, simply because he didn’t want to be Ben anymore.

They had a thousand worlds to offer him, and he wanted none of it.

He just wanted to be himself, without having to shoulder all his parents’ mistakes and expectations on his shoulders.

… Why was that so impossible?

_“Like parent, like child._ ”

Why was that phrase so hard to run away from?

Why did it have to be so _true_ sometimes?

Before Kylo gets the chance to rebuild himself and somehow, impossibly calm down, his hands have shot up and gripped his head, pulling madly at his hair, anything to just make that swirling, distorting, screaming storm of thoughts—

_“Stop, Ben!”_

A familiar, stern voice shakes him to the core and he comes falling out of his head and to the ground at his mother’s feet.

He raises his head, and without realizing _what he had just fucking done,_ he looks into his mother’s eyes. Their gazes lock, and so does the prison door that’s held him trapped for so long. There’s no escape.

_No—_

He’s shaking now, hand flying to his lightsaber because he is so _sure_ that he’s about to be attacked.

The memories flooding in are just too much.

_Why did he agree to come here?_

_Didn’t he KNOW what would happen??_

He holds his weapon with a hand shaking earthquakes, and collapses to the ground, his mind filling with old hidden-away memories resurfacing and pulling him under.

He’s drowning and there’s not a single hand to hold.

He doesn’t even remember Rey anymore.

He opens his eyes and sees the past, and it pulls him into its cold embrace.

There is no air.

He drowns.

* * *

_He is but a teenager, but already he is thinking of how sweet it would be to just disappear_.

_He wishes he could fly far, far away, but the stars are dead and the wishing well dry, and all he is left with is bitter disappointment._

_His parents left him and flew away, so why can’t he do the same? All he wants is to run, run far away, but instead he just smiles like nothing is wrong when his mother returns home from a business trip, sometimes even bringing— god forbid— his father._

_Leia moves to embrace him, and all he can do is nod his head and play along._

Hide how betrayed you feel. Don’t let the loneliness show, it’s _not important._

You’re _not important._

_Not to them._

* * *

_They’d have the same fight, over and over again._

_Repeat._

_It was an endless cycle, and each time it became slightly more perfect, slightly more broken and less mendable._

_And he was helpless to stop it. All he could do was wait for the day when it became impossible to simply ignore each other and pretend like nothing happened._

_When “talking it out” and hugs no longer helped, that’s the day when it all goes to hell and there’s no coming back._

_He would be crowned the king of hell._

_He would become Kylo Ren._

_It was the only way out and he knew it, and he would—_ will— _make the whole rest of the world_ see _it. See that sometimes, sacrificing what makes you_ who you are _is so, so much worse than running away. To compromise himself and become weak, just because it’s easier— that’s not an escape._

_That’s what truly makes monsters of us._

* * *

He stands, no longer as a teenager trapped, but as Kylo Ren. He has a death grip on his saber as he stumbles towards a figure draped in whites and browns, but it’s all a blur.

_I can’t see._

Is she smiling? Is she scared?

He stops, and holds out his weapon. Finger hovering over the trigger. And it’s pointed at _her._

_He can’t move._

Not when his fading mother looks at him with those warm eyes of her’s, not when she puts a hand on his cheek and _smiles._

_He wants to run away but he CAN’T MOVE._

She moves to embrace him, because she _knows_ it is the end. But Kylo tenses at this, because he doesn’t belong in this warmth, it just feels so _wrong._ Love feels _wrong._

It is all so _wrong_ and he just wants to run away and hide and never have to feel again but—

He can’t.

Before he can think his gloved hand has wrapped around his mother’s dying frame and stays. The hand holding his weapon still hovers in place. He can’t seem to move it, and he realizes… he doesn’t _want_ to.

“This is it,” Leia whispers, exactly in that tone she used when he had been a child and she told him she loved him and it was going to be _okay._

But it’s _not_ going to be okay.

Kylo clutches her tighter, soaked in the rain (when had it started raining?) and cries, shivering, broken.

Lost.

“We’re attacking,” he whispers to her. She deserves to know what’s going to happen, even if it’s cruel, even if it’s telling her that everything she fought so hard for was for nothing.

She bows her head.

“We’re ending the war,” he continues. 

“I know.”

He can’t see her face (he hasn’t dared to look at it), but he knows she’s trying to hold herself together. He knows she looks beautiful, because if she had still been his mother, she would’ve been the most wonderful parent in the universe. But he threw her away.

Because back then, she hadn’t been— Wonderful, that is. And he hadn’t been strong enough to realize that he still could’ve turned out _okay,_ if he’d only let himself.

But he hadn’t, and now he is Kylo Ren.

Leia weaves her arms closer around her tall boy’s back. Kylo can feel her bones, just barely insulated by muscle.

She’s wasting away.

But not for much longer.

Leia grasps her son’s shoulders and looks at him. It’s for the last time, but Kylo wishes there hadn’t been a time to begin with at all.

“Ben.” She says his name— or what used to be his name— in the softest, warmest voice imaginable. He winces.

“I’ll wait for you,” she whispers. 

“… Where?” Kylo asks, so he’ll never have to come back again.

“You’ll find me.”

_No,_ he shakes his head, but can’t bring himself to say a word.

Sadness crosses Leia’s expression, but she pulls herself together and tries to reassure Ben— or maybe herself.

“It’s going to be okay.”

“… No.”

“ _You’re_ going to be okay, Ben.”

_… NO._

His scar is burning, everything is burning.

“Nothing is going to be _okay,”_ he hisses through gritted teeth with a face enough to make _anybody_ cry. But inside, he’s begging the whole world to make a liar out of him.

“You’re not going to be _okay_ , you’re _dying_ , and Rey wants to die, and I...”

He chokes on his words.

“… I can’t take it anymore.”

_… I CAN’T._

His teeth bite into his lip and he tastes blood in his mouth.

Leia smiles up at him, and Kylo tries, he has never tried so hard for anything in his life, but he can’t do it. He can’t smile.

He sobs.

His lightsaber is shaking and so is he, and he knows what he has to do but he _isn’t strong enough._

Not yet.

He tries to say something, anything, but nothing comes out. He can’t even say “I’m sorry.”

Slowly, very slowly, Leia’s hands leave his shoulders and everything grows cold again. And this time, he really _does_ say it.

“… I’m sorry.” _I’m so sorry. I threw everything away to find my place, and now that I’ve found it I’m throwing it away again and—_

“I know.”

He’s shaking, he can’t stop shaking. But Leia is smiling, no, she’s _laughing_ , because she’s like that. She stands before him, her strength failing and her legs almost too weak to hold; and still she keeps on loving the world, the universe, and… Ben.

But he’s breaking her world.

Kylo looks into his mother’s eyes (they look just like his), and he simply can’t understand; how does she look so calm? Why isn’t she scared, like him?

_She always was the brave one._

“I’ll see you again, Ben. I promise.” Her voice cracks, just a little.

_… No._

_I never want to see you again._

He can’t move, he can’t speak, his words come out as as stumble and he feels like screaming _._

His sobs are wrecking his body and something inside him is slowly tearing apart as a monster emerges from inside. But Leia can’t see this, all she sees is Ben, the perfect, nonexistent, Ben.

He grips his lightsaber so hard he almost breaks his hand.

Leia looks up at the landscape, and Kylo tries to do the same but his neck seems to be made of cement because he simply _can’t move_.

Leia sees the sky, and beams; it is truly a beautiful storm. The sky is bleeding for them. The shadows are darker than black. There is thunder; a symphony of rumbling that’s crawling, coveting, grabbing for that final explosion everybody’s waiting for.

Kylo holds his lightsaber steady, but his other hand, the one holding his mother’s shoulder, is shaking and can’t stop. But he doesn’t feel it anymore, he doesn’t feel _anything._

He is alone with his thoughts, and his thoughts scream that he is _ready._

He is ready.

_Ready._

Leia must know this too, because her eyelids slowly drape over her gaze and close. She whispers to him, so very softly, and Kylo shouldn’t be able to hear her, but somehow he _can._ He latches onto that one sound, and hangs on for dear life.

“… Ben.”

“… Don’t… Don’t call me—“

“I love you, Ben.”

The storm is raging closer and the rain almost drowns them both. 

_“…… Mom. I’m—”_

“I love you,” she smiles, “… And I am never, ever going to stop.”

The storm collapses in its final crescendo, shattering Kylo into a million glass pieces. Leia opens her mouth to say something and _hurt him even more,_ but she never says another word. Her words are _gone. GONE._

He presses the trigger.

“ _……… Ben.”_

The light, as it stabs through his mother, is beautiful. It cuts right through her abdomen and _everything_ — her blood, that look of betrayal on her face— is illuminated and clear as day under the lightning

And then it all goes dark.

He screams.

Leia’s eyes widen but he can’t see her, he can’t see _anything._

She’s fading, so quickly now.

Shaking.

_Dying_.

And he can’t feel a thing.

Her ashen eyes; he watches as they slowly grow dimmer. Tears spill out of them and there is so much blood he could drown in it.

Leia’s breathing comes out ragged and her words are almost swallowed by her pain.

She traces a hand over his scar, leaving a trail of red.

The whole ground is covered in blood now, and yet she stands. And he will stand beside her, all the way to the end.

“… Ben,” she rasps. She’s not smiling. “… Ben.”

_Ben._

_BEN._

He’s crying, he can’t stop crying.

He holds her like she’s the whole world, and with every moment more blood trickles out of her wounds and her pulse slows, just a little bit, and as he looks at her and tries to memorize every crevice of her face, he realizes that he just impaled the world and now it’s too late.

“Mom,” he sobs, “ _… Mom!”_

Leia opens her arms, and in that moment Kylo is a child again, _her_ child, falling into her embrace and letting out a dry, shuddering, sob.

She pats his back and whispers that he’s going to be fine. It reminds him of what she used to do when he was a child coming home with tears and a bruised knee. Leia used to promise him hot chocolate and a warm blanket, and somehow that made him feel better.

Something as insignificant as that.

* * *

_It’s a warm summer’s day, everything is colored gold and beautiful. There is a house made of white stone, and through the doorway comes Ben, running._

_Leia looks down at her son and smiles reassuringly, and he lets her smile warm him._

_“What happened, Ben?” she asks, softly._

_He looks up and sniffles._

_“I think I…”_

_He’s a child, searching for words is hard._

_“… I think I just died.”_

_She laughs, as if it were a joke. “Honey, you’re not dead.”_

_“But I—“_

_She holds a finger to his lips to quiet him, and pulls him into an embrace so loving only a mother could do it._

_“Don’t be silly,” she laughs, lifting up her son with a smile and spinning him around.“You’re right here, Ben. Right here with me.”_

_She wipes away his tears with a smile, and slowly, her eyes slide closed._

_“… And I’m never going to let you go.”_

* * *

A single drop of blood falls to the ground, and Leia’s arms slip away from Ben as she closes her eyes for the last time.

She lets out a soft, shuddering breath, and then— nothing.

Ben tries to bury himself in her embrace, but there is nothing left.

She dies.


	35. XXXV: A Miracle

The next morning, they would find Leia’s robes, lying on the forest floor like the shadow of a fallen angel, because that’s exactly what she was: An angel.

_Fallen._

They would frantically try to salvage and search the forests for her, shouting for medics and running faster than legs were ever meant to run. Seeing all the blood, they thought her wounded.

But she wasn’t, she was so much more than that and they weren’t enough.

She was nothing.

A tear rolls down Ben’s cheek.

* * *

It should’ve taken a miracle for both Kylo and Rey to make it back to their ship, but somehow they do. _Hallelujah._

They aren’t unlike magnets, drawn to each other the way they are, arms linking as they pull towards each other in an embrace. Kylo buries his head in the crook of Rey’s neck, as she runs her hands through his hair and _Oh, it’s grown out, hasn’t it?_

“Kylo,” she whispers, just to say something, _anything._ “Kylo, Kylo Ren.”

He answers with a short, choked sound of assent. It’s raining, but something else is dampening Rey’s neck, and she knows exactly what it is.

Rey opens her mouth to ask about Leia, but hastily changes her mind. It is a sensitive subject, perhaps the most sensitive of all. She remains silent and runs her hands down his back.

She changes the subject. “I saw Finn and Poe.” She’s not even sure _what_ she’s saying, she’s just talking, talking to chase the demons away. “… But I couldn’t speak to them. I couldn’t.”

Kylo raises his head just a little, enough to bring his lips away from Rey’s neck so he can reply. “They’re still out there. You’ll find them,” he says, and a silent, _But I can’t find my mother anymore,_ follows. Rey hears it all too clearly. She presses her head to his chest, just to check if his heart is still beating.

It is, but is it _really?_

He captured closure, captured success, captured _everything,_ and yet _—_ he is a poor man. There is nothing left for him (not a single fucking thing). He killed it all and watched it die.

So Kylo Ren’s heart, _beating?_ Maybe not.

Rey lets Kylo’s hair slip through her fingers— every strand feels like a memory, letting go— and she looks up, meeting his broken glass eyes with her darkening ground ones.

“How do you feel?” she questions in a whisper.

“… Like the last person in the world.”


End file.
